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Nukem High Class 2006

By       Message Peggy McCann     Permalink
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I have been wondering where the hall monitor is, cause some of the kids are getting sort of unruly. When I think about it, world affairs are starting to feel a lot like reading some really bad and dangerous turgid teenage romance novel.

Look at Kim Jong Il, shooting off his mouth in the form of missiles on the Fourth of July. It makes you feel sort of sad because it's pretty obvious that he just wants the attention of the handsome varsity football captain George W. Bush.

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For his part, Bush is patently ignoring the poor thing. After all, Kim is pretty chubby and short, and, well, weird. He's not at all popular. He doesn't have anything really cool, like oil, or proximity to the Middle East. Kim is just too needy. Wanting all those subsidies of food and oil and all. Talk about high maintenance. A guy like the President is looking for what a relationship can give him, not the other way around. Still, it seems like Bush could give him a pity bombing or something. But you know kids. They can be so cruel.

No, Captain George is much more interested in the exotic and mysterious Iran. The doe eyed President Ahmadinejad is just too hot for words. He's got oil, militant Islam, and provocative hate speech all rolled into one. You can just sense how much W would love to get into Iran's nuclear facilities. He even set up the military to start planning the first date. Preemptive nuclear strikes! How dreamy can you get?

The problem is Iran isn't very much interested in our handsome Captain. Ahmadinejad is just trying to make the people of his country jealous. And it's working. They've become much more belligerent to the U.S. and widely supportive of Iran's nuclear aims. They don't like to hear that Bush would like to go all the way with their voluptuous and inviting oil fields.

But in the event that Ahamdinejad would find himself swayed by the President's charms, I really think that the school advisor should take him aside and introduce him to Bush's last two girlfriends, Afghanistan, and Iraq. Neither of them are looking too good. Sort of used up and tired, suicidal even. Well George is a love em and leave em kind of guy I guess.

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Of course, Bush could have had an ally in dealing with an annoyance like North Korea or getting some sort of deal with Iran. But he had his best bud, that geeky Cheney, going around dissing Russia, talking about how undemocratic they were and all. Now he's going to Russia asking them for help. I bet you Vladimir gave him a big AS IF. First you talk about him behind his back now you want help getting the hottie that has all those oil fields that he's interested in too? Then to make matters even worse you want to pawn off homely North Korea on him. Get real George. You'll be lucky if he doesn't get together with his posse the Chinese after class and wait for you outside the school for a fight.

This novel is so pathetic and lame, it's hard to see how it's going to end. The rest of the kids in the world seem to be not doing much but gawking at this soap opera. They sure don't seem to want to get involved. It's doubtful that W will give up on Iran. Kim will just keep getting nuttier and Iran is going to snuggle up closer and closer to Russia and China. It would be nice if Afghanistan and Iraq could get over Bush, but it doesn't seem likely anytime soon. I just hope no one ends up pregnant or smoking. Especially not radioactive smoke.
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Peggy McCann is a mother and writer living in Greensboro, NC.

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