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To All Contractors for Chaos: Who Wants to Help with Iran Reconstruction?

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While the military may be overstretched and unready, the corporations are ready for the next wave of major war profiteering---or sorry, I mean, business to take place. However, this administration may not get this war under way before they leave and it will be the job of the Democrats under Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama to find the help needed to maintain the Iran War in the same manner that the Iraq War has been handled so far. These contractors who get turned on by being in the middle of chaos are just the corporations to contact, Hillary or Barack, the first day one of you takes office because you don’t want to be without their support.

For all your reconstruction and troop support needs, there is Halliburton. CEO David Cesar, Lawrence Eagleburger, Pete Silas, Charles Dibona, and Kenneth Derr are all in a position to help you if you contact them. 

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And with what might you ask? Halliburton assists the U.S. government with the feeding of U.S. soldiers in Iraq. Every day the corporation lets them line up in a big giant line that any Iraqi insurgent could suicide bomb and kill hundreds of soldiers. The corporation believes this is more efficient than a 24 hour feeding schedule. Halliburton also takes care of deciding what equipment like computers is worth using. When it finds something that it is still fully functional but that does not need to be used, they throw it in a burning pit and claim it as a loss so they can continue to profit. In addition to all of the above, Halliburton sends its best men to drive around in Cadillac Escalades or SUVs that someone could buy for $45,000 in the U.S. but were purchased for $250,000 because that’s what Halliburton says they are worth. While in Iraq, Halliburton stays in all the best hotel resorts and by doing that is able to make major progress in reconstruction and rebuilding of Iraq for the civilians who would like to have their country stabilized.

Its subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root comes with Halliburton if you ask Halliburton for help. It is a Halliburton “Mini Me.” And they are good at doing the troop’s laundry at a price of $99 dollars per load. After it is done, the clothing is still grimy and most will want to do just do it in the sink from now on instead of involving KBR. But think again. Soldiers are not allowed to do that because the grime is necessary for survival in Iraq. The grime creates a lining that takes the place of body armor that troops do not have. KBR and Halliburton also provide extra safe and secure moldy tents that cause respiratory infections. The troops use these respiratory infections to infect the Iraqi insurgents and that is how the company contributes to the war effort.

The two, Halliburton & KBR, also are primo when it comes to water treatment. Together, they run 67 wastewater treatment plants in Iraq and 63 of them do not provide safe water. Halliburton knows it can’t take any chances. If an Iraqi terrorist drinks healthy water, that could mean our soldiers die from a deadly bombing. So, instead of dying, water with typhus, malaria, giardia, cryptosporidium, etc. are all pathogens the troops are exposed to. And it’s all okay because Halliburton scientists believe this keeps the soldiers on their toes and ready to take on attacks. They are even thinking about putting anthrax in the food since pathogens troops won’t be tested for are so helpful to the war effort.

Parsons does engineering and construction for the U.S. government in Iraq right now. Curtis A. Bower, C. Michael Armstrong, Molly Corbett Broad, Mark K. Holdsworth, Lawrence V. Jackson, William L. Kimsey, James S. Marlen, James F. McGovern, Admiral R.J “Zap” Zlatoper (Ret.), or CEO James F. McNulty can help you if you need engineering and construction for your war. They are good at disposing of weapon materials without bothering to care about where they are being disposed and also good at rebuilding hospitals, highways, and other big-ticket infrastructure.

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DynCorp International does police training. So, when it comes time to try and stabilize the chaos your war has created you may want to hire these guys who actually may not even require you to stabilize the chaos. They work with the chaos and are doing it under a contract with the U.S. government for 1.5 billion. The group recently got the U.S. government to pay them 4.85 billion dollars to provide Arabic translators to the ongoing Iraq war effort.

DynCorp joins Titan in the field of translators. DynCorp gets translators in no time because they do not test their translators and neither does Titan. The two crews believe in trusting who applies. All you have to do is say you speak Arabic and they will pay you millions to go over and enjoy fun, travel, and adventure in Iraq. And even better, as a worker for DynCorp, you can have all the sex you want with 12 to 15 year olds (no younger, no older).

Titan does detainee prisons like Abu Ghraib. If interested, contact Lawrence Delaney, Anton Frederickson, Leslie A. Rose, John Drussendorfer, or CEO Gene Ray. Titan sends people who befriend military troops and offer them a way to have fun with running a prison. They play games like Put the Rope on the Penis, Pyramid, and Sparky, which involves watching a dog go after prisoners. It’s all great fun and when soldiers cannot enjoy it anymore, the civilian contractors let the soldiers be court-martialed and leave them to do all the talking about the fun they had. There’s also the important part where you get to interrogate terrorists, beat and abuse them, and make them do many different things naked for your enjoyment too. With so much fun being had, who wouldn’t want to go to war?

CACI joins Titan and DynCorp as another corporation that can get translators and helped run Abu Ghraib with Titan. CACI was hired to do information technology work for the department of the Interior.” CACI felt it could best do its database work within the friendly confines of Abu Ghraib and you have to admire a group that will just go into the fray with no worries whatsoever. If you want CACI to help, contact General Larry Welch, Barbara McNamara, Arthur Money, Herbert Anderson, or CEO JP London. All will gladly accept a contract as long as they aren’t dealing with the goons at Human Rights Watch.

The next administration may want to visit the war zone to see how the chaos is going and Blackwater is there to protect high-ranking government officials. Blackwater previously defended Paul Bremer in Iraq so that he could put in place the laws that allowed for corporations like Blackwater to become an integral part of Iraq forever. When he was done, Bremer left and Blackwater became bored and decided to shoot some people. It’s okay though. There’s nothing wrong with a little collateral damage. And it’s good to know they have no fear when it comes to shooting because you will always be protected if you ever choose to venture out of the Iran Green Zone. Just contact Erik Prince, Cofer Black, Chris Taylor, or Joseph Schmitz for any help you may need with protection. You might be able to find them in Washington, D.C. I hear they are touring their act around D.C. for hearings, committee meetings, and other various conferences.

Blackwater also has a flawless recruiting procedure which means people will always be there to protect the administration. Blackwater contractors tell military soldiers that their salary is amazingly high and that they make in a week what a soldier makes in a year. The soldiers think about their families and realize they would rather join up with Blackwater so they could do the same thing they are doing now for more money. In fact, often Blackwater and other companies take military jobs and do them instead because the more involved they are in the war effort the better the war’s chaos will go.

And even better is that with the help of the Alexander Strategy Group and patriots like John Warner, Duncan Hunter, and Rick Santorum you can hook up with these contractors whom Alexander Strategy Group are lobbying for. The group makes sure Congress does not get in the way of a good fun and chaotic conflict.

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It would make sense to get Iraqis off the streets and put them to work rebuilding their government and their infrastructure that Saddam let deteriorate because he could not handle all the economic sanctions on him. But it makes even more sense to have a force of contractors who are not afraid of chaos and ready to make the most of it with each day. While our soldiers cry and moan about extended tours of duty, corporations like Halliburton and Blackwater are busting down the door, raping Iraqi women, and beating Iraqi men just so that they can keep the war going strong.

Contractors for chaos ensure you won’t ever have to say the “D” word to the American people. No, I don’t mean “deaths” or “destruction.” I mean, “draft.” You’ll never have to lead an administration that has to institute a draft. Also, if you have a limited amount of U.S. soldiers in Iraq but millions of armed contractor civilians, you'll never have to worry about bringing the troops home when those annoying anti-war crowds flare up and get in your way. All you have to tell them is Iran is just business as usual and move on with continuing America's hegemonic rule over the world.

With contractors like these, who needs a military?


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Kevin Gosztola is managing editor of Shadowproof Press. He also produces and co-hosts the weekly podcast, "Unauthorized Disclosure." He was an editor for

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