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OpEdNews Op Eds    H3'ed 5/16/10

BP takes a leak on America

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Gushers of news about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico! The pipeline of truth flows, right here! Come and drink the crude, as we prove, once again, that regret is a dish best served greasy. Preferably by oily oil executives spewing unctuousness at the same congressmen they bought decades ago.

BP, which used to stand for British Petroleum but now means Busted Pipeline, is in the midst of a public relations disaster. The physical disaster--assuming it ever ends--will pass and be forgiven, as always. Exxon was, despite Valdez, and Dow Chemical was too, despite Napalm, and its courageous acquisition of Union Carbide after the Bhopal massacre. Yes, they did. Some things are too good to make up.

But the public relations problem won't go away on its own. BP, which used to stand for Beyond Petroleum but now means Biggest Polluter, is in desperate need of some good news to wash the sludge off its corporate face. Otherwise how will Blight Purveyors survive?

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, when you turn an aquatic garden into a desert, make dessert. Barrels of Profit just needs to shine a light on the good things they're doing.

The world should stop sliming BP. For decades dreamers have been trying to design an automobile that can run on sea water. Beached Pelican has brought us closer to that cherished goal than we've ever been before. See how this works?

BP can't stop the leak, but they can help the fish. As always, education is the answer. The marine life in the Gulf just needs to learn what their human counterparts already know about Mexico. Don't drink the water. Other than that they should be okay.

BP should spread the good news coming out of that gusher in the Gulf. Or bad news, as long as it takes the attention off Bubbling Poop. Here are a couple of items that might help.

The La Brea Tar Pits Company has bought the Gulf of Mexico for its newest theme park. You can't believe the petrified bird collection they've already assembled for the viewing public! And the whole thing is in 3D, just like Avatar.

In a related story, U 867, a Nazi submarine that sank when it ran out of fuel in the Gulf back in 1943, just attacked New Orleans.

I think BP is starting to get it. I recently intercepted a letter from Beyond Pathetic's consigliere to the natives in the Gulf of Mexico. "Sorry, pickerels, nothing personal. It's business, just business."

Of course, that brings up the touchy point that if the oil mafia worked like the regular mafia, Bad People's executives would be swimming with the fishes right now.

Well, okay, maybe not. Make it tarred and feathered instead.

But the executives of Broken Promise should take heart, they're not going to jail. It's always the little guy who gets it in the neck. If some lunatic dumps a quart of QuakerState in the Monterey Aquarium, he does time, right? But a couple million quarts? That gets you a severe tongue-lashing by Henry Waxman. Followed by a great meal in one of DC's swankiest, topless-waitress, watering holes where you get to laugh it off with your fellow oil barons over Pipeline Punch and pre-spill shrimp cocktails.

At times like these, BP needs to take refuge in biblical nostrums. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him how to fish for oil and there'll be eleven less men to feed.

But mostly, BP needs to be proud of what they've done. Jesus turned a little water into wine and people are still talking about it. But Bellyup Phish turned an entire sea into fuel!

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San Francisco based columnist, author, gym rat and novelist. My book, "The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie" is the best memoir ever written by a cat. Available on, or wherever fine literature is sold with no sales tax collected. For (more...)
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