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San Francisco based columnist, author, gym rat and novelist. My book, "The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie" is the best memoir ever written by a cat. Available on Amazon.com, or wherever fine literature is sold with no sales tax collected.
For those seeking more detail on yours truly, the following is from my website, allangoldstein.com, where you can partake copiously, and for free.
"Allan Goldstein lives in San Francisco with his wife, Jordan, and a minimum of two cats. His op-ed newspaper column,"Caught off Base," has appeared in San Francisco's West Portal Monthly for the past decade. Satire, invective and humor are specialties.
He also blogs regularly on opednews.com and on hypocrisy.com under the pseudonym Snark Twain. Other work has appeared in Spitball, The Baseball Literary Review, The Potomac Review, and several magazines including Rock and Gem and Pilot's Preflight. He is currently at work on his third novel."
(5 comments) SHARE Sunday, January 13, 2013 The Short, Sad Life of Greedaholics Anonymous
Sometimes it takes a grand human tragedy to put the petty problems of our petty lives into proper perspective. While we were nursing new year's hangovers caused by BevMo Beaujolais and generic Gin, the Important People of the World were trying, and failing, to recover from a terrible addiction: greed.
(35 comments) SHARE Tuesday, July 1, 2014 Repeal the Second Amendment.
If the people don't want guns in their society, they should have the right to ban them. Or, at the very least, keep them out of the hands of idiots who aren't sane enough to pass the Driver's Exam. But we can't even do that, because of the tyrannical, obsolete, absurd, outdated Second Amendment.
(27 comments) SHARE Tuesday, July 6, 2010 What do we lose if we "lose" in Afghanistan?
Everybody here agrees, we should get out of Afghanistan. But not everyone faces the facts: If we do that, we lose.
What happens when we lose in Afghanistan? When is harsh military power justified? And when is it not? And how do we know the difference?
A few rules of thumb.
(8 comments) SHARE Tuesday, June 22, 2010 The BP oil conspiracy: Coming Attractions!
What really happened in the Gulf is far worse than your worst nightmares. But some courageous souls specialize in nightmares, and here's what they're dreaming up, right now.
(14 comments) SHARE Sunday, March 21, 2010 The Right to get High
Drug prohibition is a disaster. I propose this 28th amendment to the Constitution. "A well-regulated mood being necessary to the pursuit of happiness,
Congress shall make no law abridging the right of the people to get
(22 comments) SHARE Thursday, September 23, 2010 Where is the progressive Tea Party?
There is no progressive movement in
America, just progressives.
Why can't we get it together?
Where is the progressive Tea Party?
(8 comments) SHARE Tuesday, August 24, 2010 A message from God: You're Fired
From the Desk of The Lord:
I hereby terminate all spokespersons, authorities, publicists and uniformed clergy from my employ. They are all fired, they no longer speak for me. The merciful and righteous among them may continue in my good graces, but their pronouncements and edicts are strictly their own. I will no longer be responsible for obligations taken on my behalf by them, in any case whatsoever.
(2 comments) SHARE Thursday, February 4, 2010 The Republican Playbook: Uncensored
In a caper worthy of the great James O'Keefe, of Mary Landrieu break-in fame, your author has purloined a top secret copy of The Republican Playbook.
Or, the Heathen's Guide to Total Opposition.
(38 comments) SHARE Thursday, January 27, 2011 Everyone is born a Socialist
The conservatives have it wrong. The philosophical roots of the progressive project are born inside us.
(12 comments) SHARE Thursday, August 20, 2009 You blame Obama, I blame You
"Let's Blame Obama": How progressive passivity fails the future and hands it to the forces of reaction.
You can blame the president, or you can try getting off the couch and doing something.
(3 comments) SHARE Sunday, May 16, 2010 BP takes a leak on America
A love letter to BP. They really need a hug right now, and I'm just the guy to give it to them.
(4 comments) SHARE Thursday, November 13, 2014 The Sissy Cynic's Guide to Ebola
The cure for Ebola is already here, no doubt lurking in some laboratory, waiting to be tested, proven and deployed. It will happen in record time, and when it happens our response will be "about time." It will cause less jubilation than the launch of a new app. In America. In Africa I think they'll appreciate it.
(1 comments) SHARE Friday, January 15, 2010 Sirens for Haiti
Thinking of Haiti, 7000 miles away, in stormy San Francisco. The night of.
(1 comments) SHARE Thursday, May 7, 2009 Swine Flu Hate Speech
Out of the sty and into the streets!
The Porcine International Goodwill Society, or P.I.G.S, demands an end to the hateful hate speech of a hateful humanity!
(7 comments) SHARE Wednesday, August 4, 2010 Lazy-Americans: The Last Despised Minority
Laziness is the ultimate sin. And I'm the ultimate sinner. But I'm not alone, not by a long shot.
When we wish one another a good day, we say "take it easy." If you want to wish someone a bad day, say the opposite. You'll lose a friend, but how virtuous of you!
(6 comments) SHARE Friday, March 25, 2011 Libya, Leadership and Lives
Getting it right in Libya. When everyone is against you, except the people you are helping, you are probably doing it right.
(15 comments) SHARE Tuesday, December 4, 2012 Victory in the Culture War
There are battles yet to come. But the tide has turned, the lines are smashed, the outcome no longer in doubt. We have won the culture war.
(7 comments) SHARE Saturday, March 21, 2015 Hollywood's Great Generation Gap Fail
Youth, they say, is misunderstood. What they don't say is that youth wants to be misunderstood. Being misunderstood provides an illusion of uniqueness. And it's hard to feel special when you Instagram your daily lunch.
Old people are less misunderstood, except by young writers who don't get them. So here are a few clues. Maybe they'll make my next movie going experience less annoying.
(4 comments) SHARE Thursday, August 4, 2011 The Debt Strike Pledge
Default was a bluff and our so-called leaders folded. The enemies of the people won.
Next time we should call that bluff and make them feel the pain. A call for a general strike on debt.
(5 comments) SHARE Friday, March 6, 2009 The Crash, the Panic, the Depression.
The panic of 2008, the depression of 2009-? An historical, not to say hysterical, analysis of previous economic catastrophes going back to 1819. And why Obama needs to keep his powder dry and coffers full if we are going to survive this one.
(7 comments) SHARE Thursday, January 16, 2014 A reluctant defense of Political Correctness
A little love for political correctness, the ugly stepchild of cultural discourse. Political correctness,properly understood, is merely the code of honor, doing its essential work: holding society together in the absence of any other agreed moral/religious standards of behavior.
(1 comments) SHARE Sunday, October 25, 2009 How to Get Out of Afghanistan
Never let a good crisis go to waste. A crisis is coming in Afghanistan. And a chance to get out, if we don't waste it.
(2 comments) SHARE Thursday, October 4, 2012 Obama wins? So what?
Obama needs to make this election about the will of the people. As in, will the will of the people be thwarted, yet again?
(6 comments) SHARE Thursday, March 13, 2014 Dear Hillary, Announce Now
Hillary Clinton needs to announce now and remove any uncertainty about her candidacy. As long as she’s in the race, announced or otherwise, she’ll get all the attention on the Democratic side. If she’s not going to run, she needs to step aside immediately.
(2 comments) SHARE Thursday, December 23, 2010 Which Side Are You On?
We have to choose, and the American people have to choose, whether they like it or not.
(4 comments) SHARE Saturday, December 5, 2009 It's Not a Surge, it's Chemotherapy
What Obama was really saying in West Point. If you can get past your "he's killing babies!" outrage (like Afghanistan and Pakistan under the Taliban will be Candyland for women and children)you might hear what he was saying to you, and the world.
(12 comments) SHARE Monday, July 19, 2010 An Open Letter to the Tea Partiers
The Tea Partiers are not going away, no matter how fervently we wish they would. Screaming at them does as much good as their screaming at us.
I offer this with civility, from one American to another, in the sincere hope that it will help.
(1 comments) SHARE Tuesday, January 5, 2010 The Vigorish is Too High
The Masters of Money are destroying our economy. Their cut is too big, there's not enough left for the rest of us. The vigorish is too high.
(4 comments) SHARE Monday, December 16, 2013 The Case for Market Socialism
When an economy fails to serve the people it's a failed economy. The markets have driven global capitalism into a ditch.
To fix it, we need some new ideas. Here's one.
(23 comments) SHARE Friday, November 2, 2012 Romney fakes left, scores
Romney is running far to the left of Romney. That he had to do it is encouraging, that he may get away with it is depressing.
(4 comments) SHARE Wednesday, January 28, 2015 The Word War II Delusion
War is murder. Sometimes defensive war is necessary. But what gave us the crazy idea that war can have a happy outcome for everyone concerned? World War II.
(7 comments) SHARE Wednesday, May 8, 2013 Perchance to Dream
The patient has cancer, diabetes, heart failure, bird flu and gangrene is setting in. We have been diagnosed.
Why doesn't it seem to make any difference? Is it perhaps because we're demoralized?
Let's pretend, just between you and me, that there is a way out of our dismal reality.
(11 comments) SHARE Monday, July 20, 2009 Cover Everybody
There is only one moral imperative that must be obeyed in health care reform. Cover everybody. Every single American. And do it now.
(2 comments) SHARE Thursday, April 1, 2010 All the important debates are inside the Democratic party.
The right has forfeited. The serious political questions of the day are being debated in one party only. From the center to the left, all the arguments, all the work of governing is happening inside the Democratic party. And here's why.
(7 comments) SHARE Tuesday, April 28, 2009 The Great Obama Rebranding: Part two
How Barack Obama is repairing the tattered American brand and how it got broken in the first place.
Hint: Neither extreme is going to like it.
SHARE Wednesday, April 8, 2009 Good Things in Bad Times
Hope, Baseball and the bittersweet lessons of the season. All is not lost because much of what we lost we needed to lose. But will we find the right things?
(2 comments) SHARE Saturday, September 8, 2012 Debunking debunking
A liberal without ideals and hope is no liberal at all. Ideals are a promissory note. A liberal, by any name and at all times, is one who does his or her level best to cash that check.
(3 comments) SHARE Tuesday, September 29, 2009 No, You Can't
The world is breaking. Chaos beckons, and Barack Obama, the man who gave us hope when he said "Yes, we can," now needs to speak a new phrase. He may have to say it to our generals, he may have to say it to Ahmadinejad, he may have to say it to us. "No, you can't."
SHARE Wednesday, November 25, 2009 I Could be Even More Thankful
A short, satirical to-do list for the holiday season. Go ahead, it's okay. You can laugh and still get to heaven one fine day. It might even help.
(1 comments) SHARE Wednesday, September 4, 2013 Staying Straight in Sochi
The Official Guide to Olympic Behavior from the Russian Ministry of Sexual Hygiene
SHARE Saturday, October 10, 2009 Who Roots for America?
The revolution we started in 1776 needn't end in failure. America is still a place we can make, if we root for it. But who roots for America anymore?
(4 comments) SHARE Sunday, February 1, 2009 We need a bubble!
We'll never get out of our economic tailspin unless we do this. Pronto.
(1 comments) SHARE Tuesday, June 11, 2013 A call from Justice
Justice is a universal human ideal. So why not build a society on that foundation? Why not reach for what we have always wanted? Why not Justism?