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OpEdNews Op Eds    H4'ed 1/13/13

The Short, Sad Life of Greedaholics Anonymous

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Message Allan Goldstein
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   The following secret recording of the first and only meeting of Greedaholics Anonymous was smuggled out of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, stuffed down the bra of the attachà working as a "comfort girl" to WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange.

   "Welcome, everybody to the first meeting of " uh " hey, will somebody tell Rajarantam to stop shoving food in his pockets?   Come on, Raj, the donuts are for everybody.

   "And Bernie, take your lips off the coffee spigot, it's not sanitary.   Use a golden chalice like everyone else.

   "Now, where was I?   Oh yes.   Welcome all, to the inaugural meeting of Greedaholics Anonymous.

   "We are here today because our souls are hurting; the terrible damage we've done with our insatiable greed ruins our relationships, endangers our health and torments our consciences.

   "All our lives we've felt alone, the whole world a stranger, good only for feeding our huge, gaping maws.   But we're not alone.   Here, in this haven, we are not fraudsters, currency manipulators, company killers, pension raiders and widow foreclosers.   Here nobody will call us rainforest-destroying, reef-raping, toxic-sludge dumping scum.

   "Here we are among friends.

   "Before we begin, it will be necessary for us to learn a strange new skill: It's called "sharing.'   Now don't be scared, it's got nothing to do with money.   It's just a word twelve step programs use for talking about everyone's favorite subject: themselves.

   "Robert, do you want to go first?"

   "Hi, my name is Bob and I'm a greedaholic."

   "Hi Bob!"

   "I need help, I'm a sick man.   The other night, after playing Liar's Libor at the Viper Room, I got so geeked up on my power that I blew out a disk having sex with a posse of hookers in the back seat of my Lamborghini.   Next day I expensed the whole deal to The Royal Bank of Scotland and they covered it!   I was so ashamed I couldn't touch a derivative for a week."

   "Thank you Bob, you've shown a lot of courage tonight.   Who's next?"

   "Hi, my name is Ivan and I'm a greedaholic."

   "Hi Ivan!"

   "I'm having problems with step 8, the one that says we should "Make a list of the persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.'

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San Francisco based columnist, author, gym rat and novelist. My book, "The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie" is the best memoir ever written by a cat. Available on, or wherever fine literature is sold with no sales tax collected. For (more...)
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