42. Bud Selig
Charges: His version of "The Island of Dr. Moreau" is even worse than John Frankenheimer's. The baseball commissioner who succeeded in making football the indisputable, insufferable national pastime. Followed up the fan-alienating cancellation of the 1994 season and World Series -- the first year without since 1904 -- by studiously ignoring (along with the rest of management and tens of thousands of San Franciscans) his players' mutating proportions. A true, blue-blooded hypocrite, Bud reaped undeserved praise for omissive stewardship, and untold profits for his fellow owners, on the back of his grotesquely augmented super-soldiers, and now wants to pretend he's shocked about it.
Exhibit A: An irretrievable coward, Selig skipped Barry Bonds' record-breaking home run game in San Francisco, "congratulating" the slugger by phone. Fair-skinned Viagra pitchman Rafael Palmeiro remains uncharged for lying to congress about his steroid use.
Sentence: Designated BP hitting tee for Giants; denied medical attention over 162 games.
41. Chuck Norris
Charges: Only famous for knowing Bruce Lee. Churning out puerile "action" bilge for 30 years. Skill as martial artist greatly exaggerated. Kitsch value wearing thin. Total Home Gym®. Walker, Texas Ranger once let a little girl battle armed gangsters, because she had the power of belief in God. Doesn't understand evolution, despite access to mirrors.
Exhibit A: Campaigning for Mike Huckabee.
Sentence: Roundhouse kick from Charles Darwin.
40. Lou Dobbs
Charges: Obvious, intensifying xenophobia and distrust of the yellow and brown races, possibly exacerbated by Mexican wife. Whatever useful message Dobbs once had about economic populism and the deleterious effects of globalization and cheap labor on American wages has long been tainted by his obvious animosity towards foreigners, specifically Mexicans and the Chinese. Every installment of his hour-long broadcast on CNN is dominated by reports about the "menace" of foreign imports, be they illegal immigrants crossing "our broken borders" to spread disease and rape our women, or poisonous products from "communist China." Proof that Dobbs is a venomous yellow journalist shithead can be seen in his reaction to media criticism of a segment on his show in which it was erroneously reported that there had been a sudden upsurge in leprosy cases, totaling 7,000 in just three years, the source of which was a lawyer who had also said in speeches that Mexican immigrants tend to molest children. In truth, there had been 7,000 cases of leprosy in the past thirty years. Dobbs was confronted several times with this fact -- first he strongly defended his numbers, then strongly denied ever having used his numbers. A real journalist admits his errors. Dobbs is an ass.
Exhibit A: Sharply criticized the use of Mexican flags in immigrant demonstrations, then denied the obvious double standard of that comment by going on to say that he would have the same problem with Irish flags at the St. Patrick's Day parade, and, in fact, that he was against St. Patrick's Day. Yeah, sure, Lou.
Sentence: Stuffed with Green Cards; turned into amnesty pinata.
39. John Boehner
Charges: A Tom Delay disciple of shameless hypocrisy, Boehner won't stop weeping openly on the House floor -- real crying, from his tear ducts. It's not passion; it's the pathetic noontime inebriation of an obvious, documented alcoholic. Job title, "Minority Whip," is ironically hilarious. Bound by ideology to destroy nation.
Exhibit A: His name is Boner.
Sentence: Afflicted with voodoo hex that makes him cry poisonous spiders.
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