Sentence: Cast as lead in first mass-market snuff film.
33. John Hagee
Charges: A fat, submoronic pastor who is literally trying to bring about the end of the world, Hagee is the leader of the peculiar movement of Christian Zionism, whose basic plan is to get Israel full control of Jerusalem, setting the stage for world war and Armageddon, so Hagee and his flock can ascend to heaven while the Jews, Muslims (especially the Muslims) and everyone else can suffer and die in the wreckage. But lest you get the idea Hagee is an earnestly insane man of the cloth, it turns out he's also paid himself in the millions, first from his non-profit TV station, which he cleverly turned into a tax-exempt church. So maybe Hagee is just another charlatan, but his message is still the most dangerous he could possibly preach.
Exhibit A: "I deserve every dime I'm getting."
Sentence: Banished to hell for being a shitty tipper.
32. The Founding Fathers
Charges: Lionized as moral pillars and demigods ad nauseam without the slightest hint of irony. Can't be judged by today's standards. Electoral College? Dumb f*cking idea. Invoked by every a**hole in the last two hundred years to support every stupid idea ever. The original liberal elite. Able to withstand lightning strikes and the British military; unable to fathom poor people voting.
Exhibit A: Owned wigs, Africans.
Sentence: Depicted as cartoons on rapidly devaluing currency; beaten at effective democracy by former monarchies.
31. Dana Perino
Charges: In a nation weary of White House press secretaries who feign ignorance, the Bush administration took an innovative step this year, appointing one who genuinely doesn't know anything. No more lies, America -- Dana Perino really can't answer your questions, honest! This slightly comely, over-promoted office wench not only didn't know what the Cuban missile crisis or the Bay of Pigs even were; she actually thought it was a funny story to tell on NPR.
Exhibit A: "This is an issue where I'm sure lots of people would love to ridicule me when I say this, but it is true that many people die from cold-related deaths every winter. And there are studies that say that climate change in certain areas of the world would help those individuals."
Sentence: Sent back in time to '62; Strapped to bottom of U2 spy plane for extreme history lesson.
30. Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman
Charges: Shocked a handful of innocents and turned into self-recriminating chum for Sean Hannity with the revelation that a redneck bounty hunter is-gasp!-a racist. Looks like an extra from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Married to a silicon-based life form. When a guy's own son intentionally destroys his career, you know he's got to be a singular fuckhead. Played at extraordinary rendition this year; got arrested for trying to physically extradite a Mexican national.
Exhibit A: "I'm not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for for 30 years because some f*cking n-word heard us say n-word and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine." Yeah, 'cause not saying "n-word" is just out of the question.
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