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A Primer For Patriots

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Message Peggy McCann
In an idealistic attempt to strengthen our country, I have a few ideas for Republicans on how to be even better Americans than they are now. I know that's hard to beleive, but everyone can stand some improvement. I suggest you print out my points and carry them with you at all times when you are framing policy, debating your fellow citizens, or need something to hit enemies of the U.S. over the head with.

First of all, as the party in charge of the Congress and the White House, do not waver in your firm insistence that the powerless liberals are the ones who are really ruining the country. Don't even bother to answer the commies who infer that since the GOP is in power, you should have fixed whatever problems you saw a long time ago. We all know the truth. The Left Wingers have secret powers to control the minds of politicians. Like Dracula seducing a scantily clad Victorian lady with hypnotism, they made you not pay any attention to gay marriage, flag burning, and the Iraq war until it was close to the election.

Furthermore, if it weren't for them, you wouldn't have raised spending more than any Democrat ever dreamed about. So know that your base is with you in your struggle and will continue to vote for you without any seeming logic, or what those elitist, snobby, college professors call logic anyway. Who pays attention to those sissies? We understand your dilemma, and know that if it were really up to you, everything would look like Mayberry with sheriff Andy Bush firmly in charge, protecting the safety and morality of this great nation. A word to the President though, make sure that you remain steadfast in your refusal to give Deputy Cheney anymore than one bullet in his pocket. He doesn't tend to do well with them.

Second, when you are having that debate on Iraq that I mentioned before, if you have been informed that troop withdrawals will probably begin soon, don't reveal that to the Democrats. There are those among them that will use it to undermine the President. Never mind that the proposal is almost identical to the Democrat's. Forget the critics that say you cynically used the issue in order to accuse your opponents across the aisle of weakness and "cutting and running" (Catchy by the way. I bet it was that hero of Freedom Karl Rove that proudly came up with that one in the service of honest debate.) Remember, this is your country you are fighting for and loose lips sink ships!

Finally, remember if you remain true champions of America, you will be rewarded. A grateful electorate will heap laurels on you. Keep supporting giant companies the way you do. It makes the United States stronger. Cut programs that help the parasites of this country like children and the elderly, and give the money to people that really need it, the rich. They are the ones that will use it, buying fancy cars and houses that make America look good. What would poor people do with it? Probably do things like buy food and medicine. That won't look half as glamorous on TV. Seriously, you don't see reality shows about some homeless person running a gauntlet for heart medicine. If you keep fighting for justice for the well to do, captains of industry will laud you and give you bonuses of many gifts, from lavish trips to money. Never forget for a moment that you deserve them.

You may wonder why I have only directed my comments at the Republicans. Well I hate to say this, but overall the Democrats with a few exceptions have already proven how patriotic they are. Besides many of them helping our great cause of big business, they have been so ineffectual that you know they are doing it on purpose. All that infighting and refusal to stand up for any sort of principles, it's all a ploy. As long as they are able to maintain their incompetence, they do their part in making sure this nation is safe.

So Patriots, that's it. Keep up the good work. Go forth and stand proudly breathing the dirty air in front of a melting glacier contaminated by toxic waste. Someday your bankrupt and ill grandkids dodging angry Iraqi suicide bombers will thank you for it. People that understand the struggle already do.
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Peggy McCann is a mother and writer living in Greensboro, NC.
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