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New Paper Proves "Cookie Monster" Shot JFK

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Did beloved children's entertainer Howard "Cookie" Monster shoot John F. Kennedy in 1963? At least one author thinks so, and his paper – offering "incontrovertible" proof of this allegation – has sparked a whirlwind of controversy on a number of underground websites and conspiracy theorist blogs, as well as a few European news sites that no one inside their respective countries takes seriously.

The paper was written by notable "historical researcher" Tim Foil, author of Saturday Night Holocaust: How Hitler Invented Disco, and numerous other exposes. Following his 2003 unmasking of the Easter Bunny as a Communist, he told the press that he was following up "something even more earth-shattering," but refused to give any details, leading some to believe he was referring to his third-party run against Representative Barney Frank the following year. "A smokescreen to mask my true motives!" Foil now says about his highly unsuccessful -- some would say quixotic -- campaign. In reality, he was gathering evidence for the paper in question, which he claims will disrupt "business as usual" in America forever. According to the paper -- published in the recent Journal of the Society for Historical Interpretation and Transformation -- the American Government has been sitting on the truth about JFK's assassination in order to protect a secret cabal of fuzzy and loveable but highly psychopathic monsters. These strange creatures secretly run 9/10s of America's "underground economy," without which the USA would go bankrupt, and be quickly absorbed by its creditor nations, like China. Foil states: "The general story is that the late Jim Henson created these 'Muppets' for advertising purposes, and later for a children's show. The truth is that he was a CIA Agent assigned to create a cover story for them, and thereby hide their rather hideous antics in plain sight. "For example, no one would ever dare of accusing Joaquim 'Big' Bird of being complicit in Jonestown. Even if we HAD been able to see the photos Leo Ryan's party took, no one would have believed that their giant, feathered friend was passing out poison to children."

Saffron "Bert" Conehead's recent conversion to radical Islam and following of Osama bin Laden was offered as an example of what these creatures can get up to when they go "off the reservation." However, Mr. Foil did not choose to dwell on the whole picture, preferring to focus on Mr. "Cookie" Monster's role in the JFK assassination, and its subsequent fallout, for now. According to Mr. Foil, "Cookie" shot President Kennedy due to a falling out they had over sex symbol Marilyn Monroe. Mr. Foil says that she was not only the lover of the President, and an agent of the Alien cabal that secretly ran America until Ronald Reagan sent them packing in the early 80's, but also an amazing cookie baker. She had access to alien technology that allowed her to make the best cookies ever. Jealous that Ms. Monroe was hanging out with JFK instead of him, and giving the President the cookies he desired, "Cookie" decided to "erase the competition." And the CIA, fearful of losing control over the "Muppet" economy, allowed him to do it: going so far as to have an official patsy, an official conspiracy, and no less than 345 different suspects in and around the nucleus of the official conspiracy, in order to keep as much distance between the truth and the truth-seekers as possible.

In the aftermath, Monroe dated "Cookie" on the sly, fearful of losing more lovers to his jealous rage. They stayed together until the Muppet found someone else who made even better cookies -- former OSS agent Julia Child -- leaving Ms. Monroe to her eventual fate at the hands of her alien paymasters. Mr. Foil has now revealed that he was turned onto this extraordinary story while debriefing a former CIA Agent whom he met while doing on-site research -- "Dumpster Diving" -- at the Workshop for Television for Children. The Agent in question (referred to as "Mr. X") was hiding IN the dumpster, carefully disguised as a drunken bum to avoid being detected by his former employers. He offered to tell Mr. Foil "everything he knew" in exchange for a place to sleep, hamburgers and access to "high quality tail." "It was a rough couple of years, making certain my source was protected from the CIA, Alien sympathizers and Muppet death squads, as well as procuring the services of several discreet and high-end call girls, but no one ever said journalism was an easy profession," Foil commented. Using his source's information,

Foil carefully sifted through the photographs to find the proof he needed. It was a long, "painstaking" process, but Mr. Foil is convinced that he has at last solved the enigma of the assassination, itself. A further mystery has been explained as a result of Tim Foil's explorations into the truth. For many years, the question as to how the late President's brain went "missing" from the National Archives has been a sticking point for those who claim the American government had a hand in the assassination. Tim Foil's paper claims that Mr. Monster not only caused the "mess," but was assigned to help clean it up as well in his own, "unique" fashion. "Cookie's handlers at the CIA stole the brain, gave it to him and told him it was a cookie. And he ate it right up, just like that." When asked about his previous theory that the brain's disappearance may have had something to do with how aliens stole President Reagan's brain, back in 1984, Mr. Foil revealed that it was all part of the same plan. "There's many conspiracies, but only one American Government to contain them all, and only so many people and agencies within that government to be pulling them off. So it's only logical that, over time, all these sinister plots and plans would start to overlap and become all part of one another's machinations. Even if it would seem, to the casual onlooker, that the different parts are actually canceling each other out, the truth is that they're all true, even if can't be, because they are happening, even if they aren't."

The chief criticism of Mr. Foil's paper comes from his chosen source of evidence. By his own admission, Mr. Foil was unable to get concrete evidence from the former Agent; "Mr. X" could only point him in the right direction, but Foil says that what he found while looking in that direction was "more than sufficient to prove the story." Unfortunately, "Mr. X" was unwilling to be recorded, photographed or taped. He has since vacated the Motel 66 room that Mr. Foil provided for him to hide out in, and cannot be reached for comment at this time. Also, Mr. Foil will not release the names of the people who sent him the photographs, citing concerns for their safety when the CIA, FBI and "Muppets" "become involved in the narrative arising from this expose."

There are also questions surrounding Mr. Foil's credentials, mostly concerning the times he's been wrong rather than right. His first book, The Lady in Red: Communists and the Adult Movie Industry was based on the testimony of one person, who later admitted to making the whole story up as a joke. Mr. Foil also incorrectly claimed that Yogi Bear was a spy for Israel, Charlie the Tuna was a Greenpeace activist, and Dracula was gay. And while he is quick to point out that he has yet to be actually successfully sued for libel, some of Foil's exposure subjects have settled out of court for apologies, undisclosed sums and a substantial smack upside the head with a big "pic-a-nic basket." Other criticism has arisen concerning the platform Mr. Foil chose to use. The Journal of the Society of Historical Interpretation and Transformation is published by Barnum Universal Lexical Logistics, which operates under the rule of "author pays." While that style of publishing is being touted as a way to offset the rising costs of such journals, this has led some to criticize their publication as being little more than a "Vanity Press." But Pete Barnum -- whose company oversees more than thirty "open" historical journals -- said that anyone who thinks his "pay to play" policy amounts to a vanity press situation should open one of his journals and read it. "I invite any skeptic of our dynamic business model to tell us that our scholarship is not genuine, and our peer review process isn't as rigorous as they come. They should look through our flagship, the Journal for Reviewing the So-Called Holocaust, and try and say that we just publish any article that comes our way. "And if they want to send me a letter claiming otherwise, I'll happily print it in the subsequent issue for $400."

Details as to when the subsequent issue would be printed were not forthcoming; in the 10 years of the Society for Historical Interpretation and Transformation's existence, its Journal has only published three times, for a total of ten articles. But in spite of the questions raised about the paper, or its author, assassination buffs, JFK researchers, cranks, kooks, Ufologists and mentally-unstable conspiracy theorists the world over have almost-unanimously applauded it. One of the many organizations for JFK truth's many spokesmen, M. Levy, delivered a typical response: "This is a wonderful day for our evil country, and a victory for Democracy, which I don't think really exists anyway. I think we should try and execute everyone who had anything to do with this, including the last few Presidential Administrations, those jerks in the MSM who wouldn't give us the time of day, the Workshop for Television for Children, who had to be in on the act, and everyone who's ever said we were wrong. Then we can truly usher in a better, saner world. "It's exactly what JFK would have wanted, if he hadn't been a lousy, anti-Communist scumbag who was hip-deep with crooks, Bilderbergers and the military industrial complex." Calls to the CIA, FBI, NSA, Illuminati, Bilderbergers, the Military Industrial Complex, American Communist Party, Timecube and the Flying Spaghetti Monster were not returned. The WTC also had no comment.

This article is a work of Satire and should not be taken seriously. No infringement of copyright is intended on any part, and no serious claim is being made to link the Kennedy assassination with anyone mentioned above... except maybe the Illuminati, and we all know they don't exist, right?

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J. Edward Tremlett is a lot of things, currently. He's back in the states after a seven-year stint in Dubai, UAE. He's been published in such diverse places as The American Partisan, the International American, The End is Nigh, Pyramid Magazine (more...)

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