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Tips for Conservatives Fleeing the Country

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The last time a Democrat became President, I remember a lot of hardcore conservatives saying they were so upset by Bill Clinton being in the White House that they were seriously considering packing up and moving overseas. Of course, most of them didn't, and that's probably because they realized that, with a Republican majority in the House and Senate, there wasn't a whole lot of damage that Clinton could do.

(If anything, he probably did more damage to the Democratic party, itself, what with all the scandals that followed his Presidency. I know I'LL never look at cigars the same way again...)

But this election is different. Not only do we have a man in the White House that is, to hear some say it, the most liberal socialist person to ever hold office, but we've had a near-sweep over both sides of the Capitol, too. As of this moment, if Barack Obama has a questionable agenda for America, there's very little to stand in his way of seeing it done.

So, I suspect a lot of the hardcore right-wing partisans who SERIOUSLY thought about fleeing for other countries back in 1996 are, almost ten years later, SERIOUSLY considering it all over again. And I'm sure your friends and family are telling you that you're being silly, and you need to reconsider, and you'd be losing more than you'd gain, and you should wait until 2010... you know, sensible advice.

Me? I want you idiots gone.

I want to see the back of every last one of you who made a talking point out of Obama's middle name. I want to hear the retreating feet of those who seriously think he's a socialist, a communist, or a friend to terrorists. I really want to hear no more from those who called him the Antichrist.

And those of you who were concerned about him being half-black, or a Muslim in disguise? Yep, I want you gone, too. Out of here. Vamoosed. Scrammed. Transported.


But, in my quest for a F@#$head-free America, I realize that most Conservatives may not have the first idea on how to go about properly fleeing their country. It's a sad thing to say, but since our country tends to be so bloody insular, people on both sides of the great political divide are often flummoxed by the notion of packing up, packing it in and putting down roots somewhere else.

It can be a daunting task. But, as someone who's done it twice, I have some advice for you... if only to help get you out of my sight all the quicker.

(And yes, you're very welcome. Please, don't mention it.)

First things first, you need a passport. Yes, you have to have one. No, it isn't hard to get one. You can send away for them from the Post Office, and many of them have Passport days when they make it easier for you to go and get one.

Yes, you'll need to find your Birth Certificate because they'll need to see it. Yes, it'll take a while to get it, and your passport, back. But once you have it, the whole world opens up like an oyster.

Step Two is more complicated: Apply for a Job. Now this is the sticky part. People don't want you to just show up in their country and ask for something to do. I know, that's how it happens here with illegals, and given how many of you may have hired someone under the table I'm sure you know all about that.

But overseas they're a little more stringent about that sort of thing. Imagine that -- a lot of countries are actually more conservative than WE are in their enforcement of illegal immigration and working without the proper permissions! So this will be a good chance for you to see how that whole "stand in line" thing works from the other side of the fence.

Thanks to the joys of that wacky series of tubes we call "the internets," you can find any number of websites that where people offer up jobs to folks like you. If you put the words "international," "jobs" and whatever field you specialize in onto "the Google" you will find lots of open doors in many countries.

Of course, some fields are more in demand that others, so you may have doctor your resume a bit -- something that's not all that unknown to certain high-rolling Republicans, like, say, "Brownie."

One field that is always looking for folks is teachers of English as a second or foreign language. Unfortunately, since most Conservatives have trouble with the English language, as their grammar and spelling can be pretty idiosyncratic (or "Mavericky" if you can't spell the other word) this might not work out so well for you.

On the other hand, there's lots of money to be made doing what's known as "consulting." Basically, you go overseas, meet with a group, and live high on the hog for a few months telling people what to do to fix a certain problem. Then, when your contract's up, you go home so the people who hired you can take all the credit, or vamoose before they assign you all the blame. It's easy money with little or no accountability, which makes it ideal for conservatives.

Once you've got a visa (not a credit card), are working overseas, and have a general idea of where you are, it becomes easier to contemplate actually MOVING to that country for a long period of time. Some places are very happy to have foreigners show up, buy property at outrageous prices and contribute to their flagging local economy. Their faces may be frowning, but the jingle of money in pocket breaks down many barriers. Sometimes lots and lots of money.

Others aren't so happy to wake up with Yankees in their backyard, but I find you'll win friends and influence people by learning to call yourself Canadian. However, you may have to learn French to pull this off. Also, you'll have to learn to live for ice-hockey, like to eat poutain and go on for hours about the musical stylings of Gordon Lightfoot. But hey, that can't be worse than living in Stalinist Disneyland with Comrade Obama, right?

Oh, and speaking OF French, did I mention that language barrier thing? Depending on which country you go to, you may have to learn basic concepts in a foreign language in order to get by. The people who arrange your visa, and working and living conditions, probably know enough English to get you settled, but there's no guarantee that the stores, taxis, hookers and other service providers will know anything but their own tongue.

The good news is that just about anyone who knows SOME English will want to speak it to you in order to practice, or at least show off. The bad news is that the phrases they haven't learned yet always seem to be "I'm busy," "I'm eating," and "Please just go away."

Conversely, you'll get to learn many new and interesting phrases once they realize that you AREN'T Canadian after all. Better lose some pounds and learn how to jog!

Better news is that, living overseas, you're eligible for a tax credit of up to $87,600 per person as long as you can prove bona fide residency of a year or more. Which means that a lot of the money you're going to make over there does NOT have to get sent home to feed Comrade Obama's Stalinist Disneyland. However, it also means you don't get to complain when that hard-earned money doesn't go to schools, roads, emergency preparedness, the military, the police, or anything else that you tend to take for granted here in the USA.

But hey, at least that'll show those big-government types -- right?

So, what are you waiting for? Money, adventure, and the chance to catch some nasty, weird disease from a public toilet in Kowloon await! You go off into the world you can't find on a map in order to flee your civic responsibilities back here in your native country, and we'll keep "wrecking" it while you're gone.

Bon Voyage!
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J. Edward Tremlett is a lot of things, currently. He's back in the states after a seven-year stint in Dubai, UAE. He's been published in such diverse places as The American Partisan, the International American, The End is Nigh, Pyramid Magazine (more...)

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