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I've heard George Bush is a charming, likeable guy. Frankly, all his gestures--from touching his heart to bobbing his head, giving a thumbs up when he walks across the White House lawn, the waving and grinning, especially when it's just been announced that 14 troops were killed in Iraq--are repulsively offensive to me. So much so that I picture Laura Bush feigning a headache night after night or sleeping in a separate wing of the residence.

That Bush refers to Karl Rove as "Turd Blossom" doesn't make me smile and it's not because I'm uptight about doo-doo. It's just that "Turd Blossom" is too nice a nickname for the diabolical brain responsible for molding a man who should be impeached, cuffed, and, then, shunted off to some place of isolation because his insatiable lust for illegal power is as out of control as Bill Clinton's Jennifer/Paula/Monica/anybody-in-a-skirt-addiction.

George Bush likes nicknames and it's a good thing because he has so many. The moniker "Dubya," created by Molly Ivins is pretty good but "Uncurious George" is more appropriate. On The Simpsons, he was referred to as "Commander Cuckoobananas."

Probably, most presidents have been bestowed with nicknames. I suppose many of their wives have as well. Some of these descriptions are compliments while others are quite unflattering.

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Everybody remembers Clinton as "Slick Willy," "Bubba," or his favorite, "The Comeback Kid."

I never thought George H.W. Bush was a mental Goliath, but compared to the fruit of his loins, he is. "Poppy" suits him just fine, but when I look at his Mrs., I'd prefer to call him "Whipped."

Ronald Reagan was "The Gipper" and "The Great Communicator" but what would anybody expect? He was an actor, good at memorizing those lines and his speech writers could turn not just a clever phrase but an inspirational one as well.

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Jimmy Carter was known as "Peanut Farmer." I know he's smart but it did make me wince each time he pronounced nuclear, "nukyulur," just as I do when our current occupier of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and Iraq says it the same way.

Gerald Ford was "Mr. Nice Guy" and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. He was so kind that he very generously pardoned Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon.

Nixon must be smiling from his grave right now since George Bush makes him look like "Mr. Congeniality." But take a good look at "Mommy Dearest." "Barbarian Bush" certainly is one of the reasons "Whipped" is globe-trotting with "Slick." Who'd want to be in her presence after that category five gaffe she made about the Katrina displaced: "And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them." I'm sure if I said something that insensitive, my husband would want to take an extended trip away from me with anybody, even a former nemesis. He, in fact, might say that it's time for me to swallow my hemlock cocktail, putting both of us out of our misery.

And imagine Barbarian's wrath when she hears that so many people are calling her son "Hitler."
It's little wonder "Poppy" prefers traveling with the enemy. I'm sure he'd rather be hit by the forces of Mother Nature than by the First Mother's nasty nature.

I've always appreciated the other inspiration by Molly Ivins, "Shrub," but it makes "Dubya" look insignificant and he's anything but. In fact, he's the most significantly evil president we've ever had. Think of his policies of imperialism. The murder of almost 2,300 troops and over 100,000 Iraqis in a war based on lies. White phosphorous. His response to Katrina. The platitudes. The eavesdropping. His "America is addicted to oil" statement when he gave tax breaks to those who purchased Hummers. The deficit and his obscenely stupid bragging about earning "political capital" in the election and his intention to spend it. Calling himself the peace president one week and the war president the next. The slaughter in Iraq. Endless slaughter. Iran. Reflect on his speech at the funeral of Coretta Scott King, a woman whose life was devoted to all that Bush has tried to destroy and continues to crush with his policies that deny freedom and access to so many people here and abroad. Think of the cost of Iraq and Bush's latest domestic budget cuts.

For all these reasons, I'm nicknaming this Crawford cretin "George W. Butcher."


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Missy Beattie lives in New York City. She's written for National Public Radio and Nashville Life Magazine. An outspoken critic of the Bush Administration and the war in Iraq, she's a member of Gold Star Families for Peace. She completed a (more...)

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