Article: Ann Coulter and Fred Phelps Announce Engagement

Ann Coulter and Fred Phelps Announce Engagement

Related Topic(s): Satire

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Fred Phelps, pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, has placed Ann Coulters latest book, Godless: The Church of Liberalism, in every pew of his church much to the delight of his congregation. Its our new Bible, hes just pontificated to his flock. Exhilarated by Coulters wisdom, they dont care that Phelps wife Marge, mother of their 13 children, has left him.

Remember Fred? Hes the minister whose mission is to rid the world of homosexuals. His antics include attending military funerals, carrying signs that read, Thank God for Dead Soldiers and Thank God for IEDs, protesting a government he perceives to be gay-friendly.

Heres the story: Seems Marge was enraged when she saw her mans reaction to Coulter. Mrs. Phelps emerged from the kitchen just in time to see Matt Lauers interview with Coulter. Ann, sporting a delicate necklace from which a cross hangs and wearing one of her short, black sheaths to expose those long legs, is Viagra to Phelps. When Freds eyes fixed on Coulters signature moveflipping that blond hair off her face, Marge recognized that look in her husbands eyes and confronted him with a vengeance. But there was no stopping Fred. He immediately felt a hard-drive connection with Coulter and ordered copies of her book.

After reading passages of Godless, Pastor Phelps was heard repeating verbatim Coulters condemnations of the New Jersey 9/11 widows, the four women who have pushed for an independent commission to investigate the governments failures prior to that day in September when their husbands perished.

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Ive never seen people enjoying their husbands deaths so much, Fred said over and over until Marge picked up the sign that said Thank God for Dead Soldiers and started chasing him around the room with it.

And, then, Fred took another quote from Anns book and launched it at his wife, By the way, how do we know their husbands werent planning to divorce these harpies?

Marge, at this point, exhausted and slightly disoriented, said, Who are you calling a harpy?

Now, Fred Phelps and Ann Coulter have a cellular family plan, first on each others speed dial. As soon as Marge returns from Mexico where she went to get a quick divorce, Ann and Fred will tie the knot.

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Questioned about the large age difference (think Anna Nicole and J. Howard Marshall), Coulter beamed, When you find the person who shares your philosophy so perfectly, the decades are insignificant. Freddy and I are soulmates.