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Fireside Crap

By Ken Swann  Posted by Rob Kall (about the submitter)     Permalink
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Finally we have a plan. We tried torture, we tried raining bombs,
we tried reigning in Cheney. Nothing can win this war with the

So now the Bush administration will try what worked so well in
World War II. No, not a legal war. They will try the fireside chat.

Of course it will be a Republican fire built by Helliburton and if
Bush doesn 't set himself on fire, I 'm sure I 'll do it for him.

If only other leaders could have thought of this. Napoleon would
have just said, "We 'd rather fight them at Waterloo than fight
them in Paris, " and he 'd still be in power today.

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Custer could have won at Little Big Horn if only the public had
supported him. He just had to sit in front of the campfire and
told those insurgents, never mind that you outnumber us 20,000
to 15, we are winning.

But no, some liberal in Washington said, "These guys are toast. "
And that just kept Custer from teaching those nasty Native
Americans that we know more than they do about how to live in
their homeland.

And what if King George III had a fireside chat? Why, we 'd all be
speaking English. All he had to do was change the reasons for
the war, like our George did, and he 'd be a hero.

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Instead of, "they 're 's our colonies and we must crush them, he
could have changed it to, "We are bringing them Democracy, and
when they can protect themselves, we will hand over the sword
and get the hell out. "

Henry VIII 's ratings were tanking thanks to a few marital
beheadings. This could have been the fireside chat to end all
fireside chats.

Just Henry, alone in front of the fire, poultry turning on the spit,
leveling with the English people. "I know a lot of you have been
hearing the Pope saying my latest marriage won 't last. Well let
me just say to his holiness, 'You are off your Papal rocker. '

"Things have never been better between me and
what 's-her-name. We will stay the course, and I have no exit
strategy. If I could exit, maybe I would be able to stay married.

"But not to worry; this is the one. For now, she has a good head
on her shoulders. "

Which brings us to one of latest Wars Gone Wild.

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When you speak of Iraq, you must bring up Vietnam. We thought
we learned a lesson from Vietnam. And we did. The lesson is: Lie
about the reasons you to get into war.

And if we can lie our way in, why the hell can 't we lie to get out?
Richard Nixon would have been sweating like his buddy Elvis, but
he could have firesided our asses out of Vietnam.

My fellow Americans, I said we would be here till the Vietnamese
people could protect themselves. Now, after 50,000 of our
soldiers have been killed, and we are fleeing faster than Betty
Ford at last call. Now is the time to unveil my secret plan for
victory in Vietnam. Unfortunately it is so secret, they have yet
to tell me.

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