(What Should Have Been)
By James Boyne
This is your President speaking: Katrina is on the way. It will hit the Gulf Coast in two days. I 'm canceling my vacation and all other business and flying back to the White House. I 've called Dick Cheney, Rumsfeld, Condolezza Rice off from their hiding places and told them to man their posts.
This is your President speaking: Katrina has hit. I 've ordered the entire military to converge on the Southeast US and prepare for the evacuation of ½ million people.
This is your President speaking: I 've ordered all commercial planes from Delta, US Airways, American and other airlines (airlines that the US taxpayers have footed their bill for their continually bankruptcies) to maintain all planes that are in the Southeast US to stay their for immediate Federal use in the evacuation. The CEO 's of those airlines will all meet and provide all services requested by the President or my Cabinet members or the military. Disruptions in all domestic flights can be minimized if the cooperation of the CEO 's.
This is your President speaking: Day two: All buses operated by Greyhound and other buses will now be under the jurisdiction of the Federal Government and the US military for use in the evacuation. All buses available from anyone are urged to converge at a staging point just west of New Orleans for ample gas will be available that is being commandeered from Exxon, Mobil, Shell, etc.
This is your President speaking: 50,000 Army, Navy, Marines, Coast Guard, and Air Force personnel are being sent to New Orleans and the Gulf Coast to help with security and evacuation. Haliburton will NOT be part of any private enterprise contracts.
This is your President speaking: I have authorized the immediate cash give-out of $100 to all residents from New Orleans for their immediate use in their most immediate attempts to survive. It will be handed out by US soldiers on the streets to the crowds of people. The purpose is to just get some immediate cash in the pockets of the people. Much more help is on the way.
This is your President speaking: Bottled water and sandwiches are being rushed to New Orleans by every available means right now----by helicopter, by ship, by plane, by bus and by donkey cart. We used donkey carts and horseback transportation in Afghanistan. We can use it here. I 've ordered AirForce I and my helicopter to be made available in this relief effort. AirForce I is being loaded right now with bottled water and food for New Orleans. On the trip back it will pick up as many evacuees as possible and transport them to my ranch in Crawford where temporary housing will be set up on part of my 1600 acres. I encourage all Americans who can take in homeless people to do so on a temporary basis until we can get more permanent housing ready.
This is your President speaking: New Orleans and the devastated areas will be rebuilt. Homes will be reconstructed, fast. I have asked President Jimmy Carter to coordinate the most massive rebuilding effort the nation has ever undertook with the ideas from Habitat for Humanity and with Federal money and assistance we will make New Orleans home once again to the millions that have been devastated.
This is your President speaking: I 've just announced that I will rescind the Bankruptcy Reform Bill. Many tens of thousands will be declaring bankruptcy. The Bill which I originally signed which takes affect this October, I admit was just a gift to the credit card, financial services and banking industry. It was designed to kick people when they are down. That 's not right. So the Bankruptcy Reform Bill is being rescinded. It was a bad bill.
This is your President speaking: I 've ordered all National Guard locations that for the most part are empty most of every month to open up their doors to take in refugees.
This is your President speaking: Estimated destruction for Katrina may be over $100 billion. That sounds like a lot of money. But I 've already spend over $300 billion in Iraq and I have nothing to show for it. I guess I made a slight error in judgment. So, signal or no signal, I am pulling the troops out of Iraq.