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NYPD Announces Anti-Terrorist , Random Subway Rider Searches

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By James Boyne (A Satire)

The NYPD announced today that it will be randomly searching subway riders.

The new procedure will be phased in over a six-month period:

Phase I: Random searches will start immediately. Each subway station will house a special security unit of the NYPD that will search each subway rider in a random manner. This does not mean that random subway riders will be searched but rather that each and every subway rider will be searched in a random manner.

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Some subway riders will be searched starting at the feet and moving up to the top of the head. Others will be searched starting at the head and moving down to the feet. Others will be searched on their front first and then on their back. It will be a random search.

The NYPD Police Decommissioner said, "we 're going to search every nook and cranny. No orifice will be missed. We'll be searching up nostrils, in ears, down throats, as well as other secret places. We 'll be looking for nuclear weapons, fighter jets, 120mm howitzers, pallets of mortar shells, and anyone trying to drive a armor plated Humvee down the subway steps and onto the platform ". "If they have any of this and they look suspicious we 're going to search them ".

The Decommissioner said, "We 're not gonna target any ethnic group. As a matter of fact just to show we 're NOT racially profiling New Yorkers we 're not going to search any Muslim men between the ages of 16 and 46 who may be carrying back packs and who may look like terrorists. We 're gonna make this fair ".

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President Bush has issued an "Order of Presidential Proclamation " to search Liberals, Democrats, Progressives, Communists, Socialists, Anarchists, and anyone who can 't prove they voted for him. If a rider can prove they are a Republican Christian they will be given an EZ-Pass which will be a streamlined physical search to check for any hidden hydrogen bombs, aircraft carriers, amphibious landing vessels, or Swiss army knives that the subway rider may have on their possession.

Phase II: This phase will require that each and every subway rider undergo a complete physical every morning on the way to work. This will consist of a trained NYPD paramedic who will test for cholesterol level (both good cholesterol and bad cholesterol); blood pressure (diastolic and systolic); heart beat murmurs; and pulse. Blood will be drawn to test for HIV/AIDs, syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes, lyme disease, and blood alcohol levels. Anyone testing positive will be immediately arrested so they can receive the help they need to achieve optimum health in the face of our terrorism threat.

Anyone with an alcohol blood level above 0.02 will be given a citation for drunken driving for trying to operate on a subway while intoxicated.

Subway riders who test for "morning bad breath " will be given a complimentary tooth brush, tube of toothpaste and a small bottle of mouthwash (not to be sold at retail). Special "bad breath kiosks " will be available for brushing.

Male subway riders will receive a free digital prostate exam to test for prostate cancer so it can be detected early while at the same time, security personnel will be looking for automatic assault rifles and Abrams M-1 Tanks that may be hidden in their rectum.

Female subway riders will be checked for yeast infections and will be given a full body cavity search. So as not to show partiality against male NYPD officers only males will be permitted to search female subway riders. Likewise, female NYPD security officers will perform the prostate digital rectal exam on male subway riders.

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Assistant Deputy-Deputy Decommissioner Sister Mary St. Clair said, "We 're going to try to make this fun. We don 't want to inconvenience anybody. We know people are anxious to get to work in the morning. All New Yorkers want to cooperate to fight the terrorists ".

The NYPD K-9 Unit will use police dogs to sniff under female subway rider 's dresses and at male crotches-------because that 's what dogs like to do. The head of the K-9 unit, Former Police Decommissioner Bernard Kerkirk commented, "We have 5000 dogs in our K-9 unit. They like to sniff. They like to sniff fire hydrants, trees, bushes, stairs, alleyways, old newspapers, paper bags, and people 's crotches. And they 're damn good at it. If some lady terrorist has an Atomic Bomb hidden up her dress these dogs are going to find it. I can guarantee it. This K-9 unit only cost $250 million and we haven 't had a single Atomic Bomb go off in New York City. It 's effective. There 's the proof. "

Police Decommissioner said, "we 're going to try to be as unobtrusive as possible. Everyone is determined to make this work. Everyone will be made as comfortable as possible. New Yorkers want this. They know it 's for the good of New York and the good of the nation. President Bush said to "smoke 'em out " and we 've already searched every cave in Afghanistan and every spider hole in Iraq; so now we are going to look up every anus and every vagina in New York ".

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