Article: KEEPING US SAFE: Death By Tit? (Satire)

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Back by popular demand -- your liquids and gels -- but in that cheesy, less than one quart, plastic baggie. $500 designer bags be damned. A global threat one week that could blow a plane from the sky is now relegated to a quart plastic ziplock that you must clutch in your hot little hand as you sashay through the airport security maze.

During this latest Rovian "only the GOP will keep you safe campaign" propaganda, I had a friend fly in for a brief visit who recently won a battle with 'breast cancer.' She mailed me her new breast pre-flight, fearful that Bush's Homeland Security latest pre-election hype might get some sadistic pleasure in the seizure of her expensive new tit at an airport security checkpoint.

I hadn't really thought about it before, but if her new, removable breast could be a terrorist weapon, then what about the implanted ones? Think about it. Today, human bodies contain implants with liquids of all kinds -- breast, cheek, penile, medical dispensers, etc. As a terrorist weapon, Pamela Anderson's right breast alone could probably take out half of O'Hare.

Let's be honest - all this security crap at airports isn't making you or me any safer.

Do the officials in the Department of Homeland Security expect us to believe that if someone was a suicide bomber, they would not resort to death by tit? And its not just breasts. People have medical pumps. Men have penile implants. I do not know much about all this 72-virgin stuff, but I am assuming you get a new penis in the after-life if you blow the one you got in this one up.

Remember this revelation the next time you are bare-foot wading through seven or eight strains of athlete's feet...clutching your little plastic bag in line with the cast of 'Nip/Tuck.'