As 2010 draws to a close, many reflect on the events of the past or make predictions about what will happen in the coming year. If I had a pair of crystal balls to see the future, it would surely stare right back at me. The glare! I'll admit that I do have a knack for knowing I won't be married any time soon certain things, but just how hard is it to predict that Lindsay Lohan's next stint in rehab for violating her probation will likely happen within weeks of her release? That's so 2008 2009 2010. And knowing these things takes the delightful element of surprise away, doesn't it? Boring.
I on the other hand, am all about being 100 percent sure of what won't happen anytime in the future and I thought I would share my gift of being able to forecast these things with you. A year from now if this place is still around, you'll be able to look back and marvel at how right I was/am. Without further ado, here is my first annual list of predictions for What Won't Happen in 2011:
Larry King will not marry himself. Hopefully, neither will anyone else.
Michael Jackson will not be touring. In a related story, some politician pedophile will tell a young page that the easiest way to learn how to tell time is when the big hand touches the small one.
Sarah Palin will not be invited to join Mensa. And she won't be smart enough to get insulted that she's not eligible.
The Cleveland Browns will not win the Super Bowl. Neither will the Cleveland Indians. Or the Cavaliers.
The Vatican will not admit any wrongdoing or accept any responsibility for things that they didn't continue to do. It will not cost them as much as you think. It will be at least double, but only half as much as they set aside for this little inconvenience.
There will be no cure for the common cold, stupidity or ignorance. Even though it should be, it won't be against the law to regift all of them.
Nobody will be able to correctly identify the names of the people who won any of the following: American Idol Season 3, Miss Universe 2009 or the 2000 Presidential election the Scripps National Spelling Bee.
Some idiot with a hare-brained scheme will not get the 15 minutes of fame he was hoping for when he decides to do something really stupid like post pictures of his son's penis on Facebook. He'll get 5-15 years fired instead.
Someone won't get a tattoo. That will narrow down the field to approximately 18,374 people.
Nobody will ask Britney Spears her opinion about the 2012 election. Nobody will ask Billy Joel for driving lessons. Nobody will ask Mel Gibson for advice about anger management. On a bright note, nobody will ask me if I want tuberculosis pig's feet for breakfast.
Ann Coulter will not get any nicer, LeBron James won't get any taller and John Boehner will not lose his tear ducts tan.