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The Uncle Charlie Interview

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Hard-hitting, ur - journalist, tough questioner, star in ABC's firmament - yes, ladies and germs, our own Charlie Gibson, gloms the first (only? we'll see . . .) interview with the lipstick-pig woman.

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Her handlers - the freaks who dwell in the smelly catacombs of the Christo-Fascist Underworld - made it clear that they would allow lipstick-pig woman to be interviewed only, only, goddamit!, by someone from the corporate media slop-trough who would be respectful of the delicate lipstick-pig woman, and, more importantly deferential. Deferential!!!!

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Out of the slop-trough slides Uncle Charlie. "Me! Me!" he screams. "I'll do it! Me! I'm the best Media Whore since Russert!"

He is vetted by the Christo-Freaks. "Amen," they agree. "Uncle Charlie will do." They hand him the list of questions. The lights dim in the studio specially designed for lipstick-pig woman's Big Moment. There is a rustling sound. In the distance, a dog barks.

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The interview begins . . .

1. How are you today?

2. What is your secret in looking so terrific 24 hours a day, seven days a week?

3. I love your outfit.  As they say at the Academy Awards, who are you wearing?

4. Tell me about your interests.

5. What's your favorite color and how much of it have you used in the Governor's Mansion?

6.  You said it was God's will for Alaska to get the Natural Gas Pipeline. Just what were your talking points with Him about that and is it true you were out in your garage in Wasilla when you got through to Him?

7. Can you tell my viewers how it feels to be a national hero to every woman in the world and an outstanding leader?

8. Those are lovely designer glasses. I understand you brought the owner of that Anchorage LensCrafters to the Lord. Do tell us about that.

9. Theoretical: You are President. You have just received a report on your desk from the CIA detailing how terrorists have smuggled a loose nuke into Los Angeles and plan to detonate it under the Shrine Auditorium at 4:30 PM Thursday. How could the Democratic Congress have let that happen?

10. Is it true that your husband Todd single handedly saved 25 of his crew in a tunnel during an earthquake up near the North Slope and that the song "Big Bad John" was loosely based on that incident? Also ... about his career as a commercial fisherman ... is it true he sometimes walks on water to do it?

11. The healthcare crisis is worse than it has ever been. There are a record high number of people with no health insurance, and medical costs are unaffordable by middle class Americans. What can we do about all the deadbeats that intentionally keep getting sick and injured just so they can keep abusing the system and making the insurance companies look bad?

12. You named your children after trees, or parts of trees. What was the inspiration for that?

13. Would you please tell our viewers what you did in the talent competition of the Miss Wasilla Beauty Pageant? And how exciting was that?

14. There have been several states in the northeast United States that have passed, or are in the process of passing, legislation allowing same sex marriage. What should the prayer for Jesus to smite all of them in his mercy sound like?

15.  Education in the United States is falling apart. We are graduating more people who are unable to read at a high school level than ever before. Can you explain exactly how the ACLU in partnership with Islamic extremists could let all of this happen by removing Christian prayer from our public schools?

16 What is your secret in looking so terrific after a brutal interview like this?

The answers are superfluous, meaningless. Only the questions get scrutiny. It is done.

The dog has stopped barking . . .

(A special thanks to Bob McArthur in California!)


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Mike Malloy is a former writer and producer for CNN (1984-87) and CNN-International (2000). His professional experience includes newspaper columnist and editor, writer, rock concert producer and actor. He is the only radio talk show host in America to have received the A.I.R (Achievement in Radio) Award in both (more...)

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