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The Oil Warrior (Satire)

By       Message John McGowan     Permalink
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The Average American is walking down Main Street. He stops to read a headline in the Mainstream News: EEYAH!!! ECONOMY COLLAPSES!!! OBAMA HELPLESS!! GIVE OUR ADVERTISERS MORE MONEY, MORE POWER! A giant Humvee decorated with US and Israeli flags pulls up onto the sidewalk in front of him. The door swings open and the Oil Warrior jumps out. The Oil Warrior is a big barrel-chested man resembling John Wayne, except with a large pot belly. He is wearing a quasi-military leather jacket with US and Israeli flags stitched onto the shoulders and a tee shirt that reads: What is Our Oil Doing Under Their Sand? He grabs the Average American.

The Oil Warrior: OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! The Muslims are building a mosque at Ground Zero!

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The Average American: Hunh?

The Oil Warrior: The hate filled Muslim fanatics who hate America are building a mosque at Ground Zero desecrating the sacred ground of September 11!

The Average American: Er, um, that sounds bad. Can't they build it somewhere else?

The Oil Warrior: They are spitting in our faces! Mocking us for the deaths of THREEE THOUSAND AMERICANS!

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The Average American (pauses, takes a deep breath, repeating under his breath "Eisenhower said don't make decisions when you are angry, calm down, think it though."): Isn't Ground Zero public property? How can they build a mosque at Ground Zero?

The Oil Warrior: Er, um, well it is actually two blocks north of Ground Zero.

The Average American: Well,...that doesn't sound so bad.

The Oil Warrior: IT'S INSENSITIVE!!!

The Average American: Well, I tend to agree. (pause) Say are there Muslims that work in Lower Manhattan?

The Oil Warrior: Er, um, well ... some.

The Average American (scratching his head): I heard that the giant financial firms based in Lower Manhattan that wrecked the global economy prefer to employ nerds from Third World countries like India, China, and even Muslim countries to develop their trading software and financial models that don't work. The Third World nerds are cheaper than US citizens. Isn't the head of Citigroup from India?

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The Oil Warrior (grabbing the Average American): We must invade the Middle East, Central Asia, and Venezuela to take their oil! Otherwise civilization will collapse.

The Average American (skeptical): That sounds like stealing.

The Oil Warrior: So?

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John F. McGowan, Ph.D. is a software developer, research scientist, and consultant. He works primarily in the area of complex algorithms that embody advanced mathematical and logical concepts, including speech recognition and video compression (more...)

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The Oil Warrior (Satire)