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The Herpeticus stupidis Virus Revisited

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Recently, disturbing new findings have emerged from studies at NIH (National Institute of Humor) regarding the evolution of the insidious virus called Herpeticus stupidus. About five years ago, an article in the Ofinky Factor described various findings involving research on the silent epidemic caused by the insidious Herpeticus stupidus virus. The deadly virus, thought at first to attack only Neo-Conservatives and later found to be rampant in virtually the entire Junior Bush administration, has been diagnosed, as well, in the brains of many extremist Democrats in Washington D.C.   Observing that the virus seemed to attack only extremists in both the Republican and Democratic Parties, scientists assumed that only extreme ideologues were susceptible to the ravages of the disease.   Ironically, new research has shown that this is not really the case at all.   In clinical trial after clinical trial, the results were always found to be the same.   Apparently, the Herpeticus stupidus virus was found to cause chronic demyelination of nerve and brain cells leading to incurable extremism and eventually complete dementia.

 

Also very interesting were the findings of political scientists at several major universities.   The studies all agreed that certain people, commonly considered extremists, actually did not as yet suffer from the disabling microbial infection, but that they were far more susceptible to the virus than "normal" subjects.   The scientists spent years of exhaustive research, studying the deterioration of logic and function in victims of the virus.   Most interesting were the original members of the Neo-Conservative movement.   Political refugees from Stalin's Russia, the   escapees decided to become vehement anti-Communists.   Parting ways with their vicious ex-colleagues, they decided to adopt more conservative political values, becoming "New Conservatives."   Unable to find natural allies among so many bigoted anti-Communists like those of the John Birch Society, they bided their time.   Finally a serious champion of anti-Communism arrived on the scene, one who was not a bigot, in fact one who was socially tolerant.   As President Reagan became more and more anti-Communist in his policies, but at the same time, more politically adept at defeating Communism without violence, classic, mentally stable Neo-Conservatives began to accept him as one of their own.

 

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Unfortunately, the product of a tragic viral mutation, the Herpeticus stupidus virus began its insidious attack on various Neo-Conservatives in the Reagan administration.   Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Paul Wolfowitz all began to exhibit symptoms of the infection.   Despite helping with President Reagan's diplomatic success in dealing with Mikhail Gorbachev and "The Evil Empire," and despite Mr. Cheney's often wise counsel as U.S. Defense Secretary under Mr. Reagan, the whole trio began to exhibit uncharacteristic personality changes.   Initially, focusing on tempered use of military force and stringent constraints on military waste, on reasonable governmental help for the poor (e.g. attempts to overhaul and improve welfare as in the early Reagan, G. H.W. Bush and Clinton Administrations), they gradually deserted the "needy" altogether and began searching feverishly for unnecessary wars to start.   It was, in fact, difficult to trace, but most scientific authorities felt that they had contracted a particularly virulent strain of the deadly H. stupidus virus from their colleague, Milton Friedman.

 

Friedman, a Nobel Prize winning economist, author of the "Free Market Economy" theory, growing up in the environment of his father's sweatshops, had always seemed to harbor a grudge against labor.   However, as a consultant for the CIA and the World Bank (the Federal Reserve), given the privilege to assist in the imprisonment and execution of various South American labor leaders, under the influence of the H. stupids virus, the by now insane Friedman could not resist the temptation.   At the same time, our Neoconservative trio began to seriously embrace Friedman's evolving economic and increasingly criminal policies.   For some reason, apparently, G.H.W. Bush, exposed to the virus during his tenure as C.I.A. Director, weakened initially, but finally mounted a formidable immune response to the dangerous viral attack.   Under intensive treatment by the ingenious and inscrutable Dr. James Baker, Bush seemed to achieve a full recovery, rejecting all but the reasonable aspects of what had come to be called "Milton Friedman's Free Money System" because of its increasing dependence on "Corporate Welfare."   In fact, more and more, the "new" Neoconservative "idiotology" began to depend on pure "faith" as opposed to reason and facts.

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A new concept, "Trickle Down Economics" became the focus of the "Free Money" system.   The concept, when popularized by Jack Kemp and other sincere proponents, actually made sense.   Extending large manufacturers and producers of actual products subsidies and tax credits could significantly increase production and expansion which could significantly increase jobs.   The model, assuming the trickle down of wealth from the corporations to labor, represented an idyllic picture of "how things ought to be."   Unfortunately, under the influence of the "stupidus" virus, "Free Money" advocates did not want oil companies, for instance, to pay royalties for use of public land.   They did not want corporations to pay taxes for investments outside of the U.S. nor to be responsible for shipping trade and labor overseas.    They also wanted money manipulators who created no employment to share in the "free money."   When asked, in fact, how money hidden in Swiss and Caribbean Banks was to end up in this country, G.H.W. Bush was told by his delirious, encephalopathic colleagues to have faith, that "somehow" the funds would arrive!    "How, by magic?   By voodoo?" he asked.   And thus, the idea of "Voodoo Economics" became inextricably linked to the "Free Money Economic Theory" and the destruction of Neoconservatism by the accursed Herpeticus stupidus virus.

 

Recently, still unnamed mutations of the H. stupidus virus were discovered in various simian host species.   Many scientists suspect that the strain may have already infected poor Grover Norquist and his trained monkeys, the ones who "signed on" to his agreement not to accept the addition of even one dollar of taxes for each ten dollars of government spending cuts. Scientific experts are still curious as to why Jeb Bush, like his father, seems to be immune to all forms of the insidious H. stupidus virus.   Some scientists have even suggested asking some members of the   Bush family for samples of DNA, hoping to find viral resistant genetic markers or perhaps unique immune antibodies that could be reproduced in the laboratory.   In the same vein, it is hoped that tissue and serum samples from Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas might explain their tragically advanced state of dementia so that they might somehow be treated which might perhaps save the insane miscreants' brains from eroding into total anencephaly.

 

Meanwhile, the tireless work of the underpaid scientists at the NIH will continue.   I am told that they have, in fact, uncovered a new link to the transmission of the most virulent forms of the Herpeticus stupidus virus.   Apparently, the virus spreads more rapidly among victims who spend too much time counting and recounting far too much of their own money.

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A. Finkelstein   7/9/12

 

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Dr. Allen Finkelstein, writing since 2006 under the penname “O’finky,” was born in New York, where he attended the Hebrew Academy of Nassau County as a boy. He continued his religious training in South Florida until his family, (more...)
 

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