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The Government Conspiracy Agency: Annual Report

By       Message Allan Goldstein       (Page 1 of 2 pages)     Permalink    (# of views)   5 comments

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Greetings, Master:

As the attached documentation will show, we've had a very productive year. I've taken the liberty of outlining some of our achievements in this letter, for your eyes only, Dark One.

To get the bad news out of the way, our Twitter crash was a bust. The word that the government was behind it spread so fast we had to end the project in six hours. I sent the hackers responsible for the debacle to New York for a little R&R. Needless to say, they never made it past the Hudson. So we shouldn't have that problem again. Please forward my sincerest apologies to POTUS.

The 40th anniversary of "Apollo 11" was quite a challenge. I think you have to agree, we passed it with flying colors. We've scattered all the props to various carnivals and theme parks and got good money for them. All the cameramen and stagehands were eliminated in the 30th anniversary purge, so no worries there. And with the closing of the Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Site, we no longer have any concerns about the real source of the " moon rocks" coming to light. Please send Harry Reid a box of Havanas for me by diplomatic pouch. I want him to know we appreciate his work on our behalf.

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I agree with your recommendation that we continue the "noise" strategy re: 9/11. We all knew it was too big a story not to leak, so we opened the taps and drowned them with "information," just as you suggested. Let's see them drink from that firehose, I believe your words were, and truer ones have never been spoken. At least by this office--if you'll forgive the levity. I understand that Mr. Cheney gave the key to POTUS on inauguration day--but please make sure that "Renegade" knows it only works on the Nafi version of the Koran. The ninth letter of the eleventh word in every other paragraph on the Mecca facing page. If he tries it with the Bible, he'll just get gibberish.

Our core secrets have held up well this year. While the Masons have had more than their share of television shows and expose's recently, I haven't seen one yet that links them to The Elders of Zion. Nor has it gotten out that Ronald Reagan was an animatronic doll.

The Kennedy assassination cover up has now reached the stage where all we need to do is wait and run out the clock. The Old Man is very ill. As soon as Castro dies, we're home free.

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On the Flab front, no news is good news. So far, we barely rate a mention on the blogs. The trans-fat diversion was a huge success, and I do mean huge. We got the public so panicked about trans-fat they banned the stuff and never noticed all the regular fat we were pumping into their food. So far, not a peep about the carb conspiracy has hit the web, and that's where the real action is. Current projections say we'll reach the critical 50% total immobilization mark by 2015. Complete docility of the non-elite American public should be achievable by the end of that decade.

Our colleagues in the Center For Disease Control have been working under deep cover in Africa, using the cloak of Malaria containment to smuggle researchers into the Sahel. The goal is to create an analogue of HIV-AIDS that can spread, by camel, to a predominantly Muslim population. If successful, this Priority One project could tip the balance in the War of Civilizations. We'll keep the Pentagon and the White House apprised of any significant developments.

Challenges for fiscal year 2010:

Fear maintenance is our greatest challenge going forward. While we have managed to keep the American public in the dark about the true causes of the crash--Mr. Spielberg is maintaining his low profile--their panic has been abated somewhat by these untimely, and unwelcome, "green shoots" of recovery. We believe we have ridden the economic horse about as far as it can go. Our efforts in fear creation are now focused on health issues. We got a good start with the Swine Flu, and the labs are cooking up some delicious diseases for the fall season. Stay tuned.

After a long, successful run, we have had to admit that crack cocaine is losing cachet in the African American community. Luckily, the destruction that project caused to Black America was so close to complete as to be nearly irreversible. But the R&D department is taking nothing for granted. They are working on a replacement intoxicant as we speak.

In any event, African Americans are no longer our highest priority among minorities. The Latinos have taken their place by sheer weight of numbers. And they are a hard group to reach, being so scattered and coming from so many diverse places of origin. I know I'm getting older, and I hate to surrender to nostalgia when such an important issue is at stake, but it is a terrible shame their migration happened after we lost the tool of slavery. That institution made our jobs so much easier.

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But we shall soldier on. I have every confidence our efforts shall not go unrewarded, and shall, outside of the odd conspiracy blog, go undetected.


Damien Enigma

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San Francisco based columnist, author, gym rat and novelist. My book, "The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie" is the best memoir ever written by a cat. Available on, or wherever fine literature is sold with no sales tax collected. For (more...)

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