Ryan: Donald, thank you for talking with me about the policies and principles of conservatism that I formulated on behalf of the Republican Party. But, prior to starting our conversation, lets fall on our knees and thank the Lord that the Democratic Party is rigging their nomination process to select Hillary Clinton as their nominee. "Lord, we are thankful that the Democratic Party will be nominating Hillary and not Bernie and thus snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Amen."
Ryan: Now, Donald, I know you are exhilarated that you convinced the Republican Base that you are an outsider, but you have to be aware that the Republican Base is composed of lower-educated, lower-income and often lower-IQ people, and these people are not quite aware of the conservative principles good for the Republican Party itself. Furthermore, Donald, as I recite these conservative policies and principles, I am sure you will agree that it is in your best interest to always conform to them, even if not to the advantage of the Base that voted for you.
Trump: What are these conservative policies and principles? I have been doing quite well using just smash-mouth politics, and I will need to be convinced you have something better.
Ryan: OK, here goes. Donald, you have to realize that the Number 1 principle of Conservatism is to make sure everything you do results in the transference of wealth from the 92% to the 8%. You cannot tell your lower-educated, lower-income and often lower-IQ Base of this fact, but it is imperative that you follow this principle. Always.
Trump: Geez, that is a shock. But, thinking about it, I do the same, but my actions, I call them "deal making", have been for only on my personal account, not for the benefit of a political party. So, we will have to see how this works out. But, thinking about it, I know my Base won't care, for they are used to getting screwed. What other conservative policies and principles should I be aware of?
Ryan: The No. 2 principle is that you have to constantly sell fear, and that is closely allied to our No. 3 principle which is to promote war and, whenever possible, engage in war. As a former Democrat, you may not be aware that this is a core Republican principle. The Republican Party depends upon contributions from the military arms industry, and we would like this to continue. Also, all of the neocon think tanks and publications depend upon contributions from military arms suppliers, and neocons are an esteemed adjunct of the Republican Party. Yes, military arms suppliers contribute to Democrats, but we get an overwhelming portion of this source of almost-free taxpayer money.
Trump: What else do I need to be cognizant of?
Ryan: OK. Principle No. 4 is that you must agree to continue Republican Party fights against minorities, unions and women's rights. The latter has to do with placating our social conservative base, and this is very important.
Trump: Come on, Paul. You know I have been right at the top in disrespecting minorities and women and my past businesses have done their share in taking away rights and benefits from union members. I think I qualify as a bona fide Republican in this respect. What else?
Ryan: Just make sure when you talk about revising the tax code and eliminating or cutting back entitlements, you ensure such plans, when the dust settles, carry out our core mission, which is to transfer wealth from the 92% to the 8%.
Trump: Got it. Now can I have your endorsement?