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Dispatches From The Asylum: They're Loose!!!!

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Yippee! Yay! Hoo-ahhhhh! Tea Bag Day!! It’s here! Time to let those goddam Socialists in the Obama Administration know we ain’t gonna take it any more!!! Enough! Let’s go everybody! Hannity will be here soon! And Glenn Beck, God love him. Break the doors down! Grab your signs! C’mon, everybody! Run! The doors are unlocked!

We want more tax breaks for the super-wealthy! We want less income for us! We want more home foreclosures! More bankruptcies! More cars repossessed! We don’t want Obama interfering with the glories of Free Market Capitalism -- the pro-God, anti-gay, anti-abortion economic system that was given to us by the Almighty himself!

We want an end to appeasement of these Godless Muslim pirates! And the Ay-rabs, too! We want them dead! And, we want Obama to understand we’ll never, never give up our guns, our assault weapons, our boxes of grenades, our blasting caps and sticks of dynamite, or our Bibles! We will stop Obama from forcing our innocent children to read the Koran! We will stop Obama from removing "In God We Trust" from the precious money he wants to take from us. And the guns, don’t forget the guns! C’mon, everybody! It’s Tea-Bag Day!!

Gather ’round, Patriots! Looka here! See the tea! Yeah, tea! Big boxes of it! We’re gonna . . . dump it somewheres! Over there maybe, or in that dumpster! Wait! Over here! In the fountain! Yay! Dump it! Yay!

Where’s Rush? Is he here yet? I love Rush! He’s fearless! He’s defending us against these baby-killing Liberals. Oh, Rush! Yay, Rush! Is he here yet? Where is he? He’s not coming? Darn! Whatever! I really want to get close to Glenn Beck! Yay, Glenn! I want to smell him, lick him, I want him to touch me! Ohhhh, Glenn!

Laura Ingraham! And Michael Savage! Yay! We want lower taxes for the super-rich! They love us and they don’t let queers get married! I want them to have the money! All of it! Even the bit that goes to my mom in her Social Security check! Give it to Rush, mom, you selfish b*tch!! I’ve never liked you all that much anyway. Remember how you wouldn’t let me smoke? Or drink beer? So, there! b*tch!

Yay! It’s Tea Bag Day! Run! Over here! Looka the bands and buttons and flags and stuff!! Yay! I hate queers, y’know! And taxes! Queers and taxes! And Liberals! And that Muslim in the White House! And all those colored immigrants! Yay!

And I want the schools to fail, the Government Run Schools! They’re teaching the children science! Science!

No! No! God made everything! Yay! No taxes for the rich! Yay! We’ll teach ‘em at home! From the Bible! Yay! Kill the queers! And the Jews! They caused this! And they want to take our guns! Yay! No taxes for the rich! No taxes for the rich! No taxes for the rich!

And . . . and . . . um . . . well . . . no . . . taxes . . . for . . . the rich . . . gosh, I’m tired. Can we go back in now? Its probably dinner time. Then cards. And tee-vee. And our meds. No . . . taxes . . . for . . . the . . .

Did Rush ever come by . . .?

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Mike Malloy is a former writer and producer for CNN (1984-87) and CNN-International (2000). His professional experience includes newspaper columnist and editor, writer, rock concert producer and actor. He is the only radio talk show host in America to have received the A.I.R (Achievement in Radio) Award in both (more...)
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