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OpEdNews Op Eds    H3'ed 1/14/11

A Little Snarky Satire for a Friday Afternoon

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Gun control legislation proposed by Rep. Louis Gohmert (R-TX) was passed this morning as legislation proposed by Rep. Peter King (R-NY) was passed immediately following. These two new laws will allow and encourage Congressional representatives to carry firearms, even onto the floor of Congress while requiring anyone carrying a gun to stay at least one thousand feet away from any elected federal official.


It is expected that with both laws in effect, the floor of the House of Representatives will require expansion to an area of more than 7,700 acres to allow all 435 representatives to maintain the necessary private zone to have their strapped colleagues at the requisite distance.


Republican leadership does not see this as an insurmountable problem, and they are currently preparing the necessary "eminent domain" paperwork to incorporate the Mall, the Smithsonian, the White House, and altogether about one eighth of the District of Columbia into the House floor. As it happens, K Street will not have to be incorporated into this area, as it is already an integral part of House operations.


When asked about the disposition of Washington's many fine dining establishments and watering holes, Speaker John Boehner said they should stay right where they are, as he would welcome their presence on the House floor. He also mentioned that he was looking into a land swap between Washington, D.C. and some of the better country clubs located in nearby Virginia. "That'd sure beat a tipped over water glass on the office carpet to simulate a putting green," the Speaker said, adding, "It would also streamline things to have a member of my staff take on the duties of my caddy."
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I am a lifelong resident of the Chicago suburbs, with a several year hiatus to serve in the Navy when my Vietnam era draft notice turned up. I had been told that guys with last names like mine were among the preferred cannon fodder in the Army, so (more...)
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