"Dr. Blathersby will also sign the death certificate of the loser. And now we go to the You Lose! obstacle course. Ted Knockworthy, radio announcer for the Detroit Demons will call the play by play. Both contestants are ready... and there's the gun. Take it, Ted!"
"All right, Tom. Both men are off to a good start. They've donned Velcro boots and are attempting to overcome their first obstacle, a forty-foot Velcro pad. Oh, boy, are they ever having a hard time of it."
(big laughs from the audience)
"Ha, ha, ha, oh this is too much. Every step is so difficult trying to lift their feet once they're velcroed in. Bob has a slight edge over Jim as his legs are longer and he's taking the biggest strides he can but as he tries to pull ahead Jim lunges at him and throws a vicious elbow into Bob's face and takes the lead. Jim has drawn first blood but Bob struggles to catch up and now he pays Jim back with a powerful kidney punch from behind. Jim loses his momentum and both men are tied as they make it off the pad and take off their boots."
"Next they must scale a fifteen-foot rocky wall with indents for climbing which has been coated with honey and has several thousand bees buzzing around it. And there they go. Oh, they're slipping and sliding... both of them fall off several times and are getting stung from head to toe. What a mess they are. The audience is cheering them on as they both near the top of the wall."
"All right, they've both made it up and over and are racing toward a water tank with barracuda that have not been fed for days. They dive in and start swimming as fast as thy can. The barracudas are instantly on them and the water rapidly turns red. Both contestants are screaming from those razor sharp teeth barracuda are famous for but they make it through. Bob is climbing out when Jim tries to give him another elbow in the face but Bob sees it coming this time and ducks and gives Jim an elbow of his own in the gut. Jim winces and Bob follows that up with a right cross which nails Jim, who goes down on his knees giving Bob a chance to make it to the next obstacle a few steps ahead of him."
"Now the course really gets tough. Both men have to get on motorcycles and ride them off a ramp and over an alligator pit. If they land in the pit it's all over as the walls are fifteen feet high. They're revving up and they're off! Looks like they've both got the distance - but Bob lands sideways and takes a spill while Jim maintains control. Bob gets up but he's looking woozy and - what's this? JIM HAS TURNED AROUND AND IS HEADING FULL SPEED AT BOB! As the rules say, there are no rules and anything goes. Bob sees him coming but he can't get out of the way fast enough and the bike smashes into him and knocks him down. Jim screeches to a stop before he goes flying into the alligator pit, does a wheelie u turn and jams back toward the next obstacle, the fire walk. Bob staggers to his feet in obvious pain and JIM IS HEADING FOR HIM AGAIN! Oh, no, look out, Bob!"
"Oh, my word, Bob has drawn some strength from somewhere and just as Jim's about to slam into him and finish him off, he jumps to the side and grabs Jim's hair as he goes by and pulls him off the bike! Now they're raining blows on each other and really duking it out. Jim gives Bob a kick below the belt and Bob goes down holding himself. Jim races to the fire walk, looks at it for a second and then runs through it as fast as he can, his feet smoking all the way. He emerges with charred tootsies but determined to go on."
"Bob's fallen far behind and he better get moving to have a chance at winning. Bob grabs the motorcycle and starts driving through the fire walk! Is that legal, can he do that? Tom Collins shakes his head yes - anything goes on You Lose! A brilliant if risky tactical move by Bob as the bike could catch fire and explode but it proves to be a risk worth taking as it brings him back into contention. Bob catches up to Jim as both men reach the next obstacle, the sandpit filled with razors and glass shards. The bike won't do him any good here so Bob jumps off it and is right behind Jim as they tear through the pit, shrieking as they go."
"Now they're off to the next to last obstacle, the fifteen-foot spinning tube which is nothing like the ones your kids love at the amusement park. This tube whirls so fast you can't even crawl through it and have to ball yourself up and hope it spits you out at the other end ahead of your opponent."
"Both Jim and Bob have done exactly that and are being thrown around violently in the tube, smashing into the sides as well as each other until they both come tumbling out the other end. They're so dizzy and disorientated that neither one can stand up and tackle the final obstacle. Bob is heaving hard and throwing up his guts and Jim is lying flat on his back moaning and holding his head with foaming spittle bubbling out of his mouth and blood leaking out of his ears."
"They both finally regain a bit of their balance and lurch toward the mud pit, but this is not your ordinary everyday mud pit. The You Lose! high-tech mud pit has been specially designed by cutting edge high-tech mud pit experts using a patented mixture of quicksand, molasses, leftover human fat from liposuction, and secret ingredients so it will grab you and suck you down if you're not strong enough to pull yourself free of its grip."
"Both men are fighting for their lives as they struggle to get through the high tech mud pit. Bob has an advantage with his longer legs and arms and as they near the finish line which is just beyond the mud pit, with one foot still in the mud he stretches out as far as he can to gain possession of the winner's flag... his fingers are touching it ... he's almost got it! ... but Jim grabs the back of Bob's shorts and stymies his progress ... and now Jim takes a bite out of Bob's heinie! Oh, my word, how utterly barbaric, but Jim's tactic, though revolting, is working as Bob loses his balance and falls back into the pit and Jim jumps up and grabs the flag to become the winner of this hard fought contest! Wow, what a battle and what an exciting finish. I'm exhausted from just watching it. Back to you, Tom."
"Thank you Ted Knockworthy for that thrilling play by play. Our winner tonight Jim Collier, or Jimbo as his friends call him, is being attended to by Dr. Blathersby and his nurse who are disinfecting his numerous wounds and staunching the flow of blood. Meanwhile, our security people have pulled the semi conscious Bob Kostmeyer from the high tech mud pit and are dragging him across the floor to the termination depot. The good doctor and his nurse won't bother tending to his injuries. Dr. Blathersby, can you tell us how our champion is doing?"
"Jimbo will be just be fine. After we finish disinfecting him we'll stitch up the worst of his wounds and bandage his broken ribs to hold them in place till we get him x-rayed. We'll have Jimbo ready for you in about ten minutes."
"Thank you, Dr. Blathersby. While we're waiting for Jim to get patched up, let's consult with our panel of psychics and see how they did. Cyndi, can you bring their cards to me?"
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