Thank you for calling the White House. We appreciate hearing from you. Please listen carefully to the following voice menu before making your selection.
If you wish to continue this call in English, press 1.
If you wish to continue this call in any language other than English, press 0, then hang up and begin packing and making plans for you and your entire family to go back to your country of origin or face detention as suspected possible supporters of foreign terrorists.
If you are calling to leave a critical comment about the President, the Vice President, or any government official, press 2.
Thank you for pressing 2.
After leaving your comments, hang up and wait to be interviewed by several imposing men in black suits from Homeland Security. To avoid this visit, press 2 again.
Thank you for pressing 2 again.
Disavow and delete your previous critical comments and enter your revised positive ones.
If you are calling to report possible terrorist activity, please call the FBI as they are the agency responsible for terrorist activity.
If you are calling to report possible drug importation or sales, please call the DEA as they are the agency responsible for drug importation and sales.
If you wish to register a protest regarding the war in Afghanistan or the administration's covert plans to provoke wars with Syria and Iran, press 3.
Thank you for pressing 3.
Please note: this is not the 1960s and dissent equals disloyalty so if you leave a pinko peacenik message, several imposing men in black suits from Homeland Security will soon be knocking on your door.
To leave a message for the President, please press 4.
To leave a message for the Vice President, please press 5.
Neither the President nor the Vice President will be available today as they are closeted with Former President George W. H. Bush receiving their weekly instructions.