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How To Pass Healthcare Reform by Tomorrow

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Inform Sen. Max Baucus that his tax-funded healthcare policy will be replaced by a canine policy. From this point on, he will be treated only by veterinarians.

All anti-reform lobbyists and insurance company CEOs who have catastrophic diseases will be encouraged to die.

Any officer of any bailed-out bank. who receives a bonus will pay ten times that amount to Medicare, after which he will be required to cross the San Diego Freeway blindfolded.

Until they vote to pass healthcare reform, all Senators and Congresspersons will be required to buy overpriced HMO policies from private sector insurance companies that reject all legitimate claims because of childhood illnesses such as rashes, hangnails and the desire to run for political office.

All pharmaceutical executives will be required to buy outrageously expensive non-generic drugs that will not be covered by their insurance. They will be encouraged to take an overdose.

Hospitals will be required to offer discount deals to patients. These will include two tests for the price of one, buy-two-get-one-free offers and generous discount coupons

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All Blue Dog Democrats will be required to buy healthcare insurance in New Jersey from a guy named Vince.

All insurance company employees who are paid "incentive pay" to turn down claims will be required to turn down their own claims.

Any anti-reform doctor who prescribes medical tests deemed unnecessary will have to undergo unnecessary genital surgery without anesthetic.

Dick Cheney will be denied insurance coverage forever, including any medical bills he incurs from the 180 waterboardings he will be required to undergo. If he dies, his life insurance will not pay a cent, because waterboarding is considered by him to be harmless.


John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)

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