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I'm in Love with Michele Bachmann

By       Message John Blumenthal     Permalink
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Hillary Clinton? Nancy Pelosi? Barbara Boxer?   Sure, I love your politics and I donate to your campaigns. You're all kind of cute, but you're not exactly bombshells.   

   

But your Republican counterparts? Wow. Talk about hot! There's something undeniably erotic about sexual repression. I'm a lifelong Democrat, but I just can't get the image of Michele Bachmann out of my head. Granted, I vomit every time I hear the drivel that comes out of her mouth, but to me she oozes breathtaking sexuality.  Those glorious sensual lips, those piercing blue come-hither eyes...

   

Let's face it: Michele Bachmann is hot. But she's not the only one. The GOP is a virtual hotbed of hot beds.

Question: Where do the Republicans get all these babes? Does Halliburton make them?

   

So why are these women so exciting? Because they're Republicans!!! We think of them as tight-lipped prudes who believe the Bible is nonfiction and sex was meant strictly for procreation of the species. To me that's the perfect recipe for steamy allure. What happens when all that bottled-up passion is released? I can't even imagine.   

I hate to admit it, but Republican women are sexy.

Michele Bachmann

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Michele doesn't believe in evolution, which is idiotic, but consider this:   Evolution is not sexy.   Think about it -- y ou have a monkeyman and a monkeywoman, both of them hairy and exuding noxious bodily odors, going at it in a tree or a filthy cave that's alive with vermin. Feh. But Adam and Eve? A much more erotic fantasy. They're naked, they're clean, they're hanging around in a romantic garden and, except for the slithering serpent (the one in the tree, not Adam's), they're alone.

 

     

Ann Coulter

I know she's smiling innocently here, but don't let that picture fool you -- the photographer probably gave her a Paxil. Or ten. In realty, Ann is seething with anger all the time. She's a virtual piranha with a bad toothache and we liberals are her helpless prey. How sexy is that? But why is she so darned angry? Is there something missing in her life? Is she frustrated? Of course she is. Imagine how great it would for a liberal be to be married to Ann Coulter. You'd be having make-up sex every night.   

 

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Christine O'Donnell

I don't know why, but she casts a spell over me. There's something undeniably erotic about anybody who would even repeat the word "masturbation" over and over on national television.   I mean, can you think of another politician that is so obsessed with masturbation? I can't.   And what image do you get in your head every time she utters the word? You picture her doing it.       

Plus, you have to wonder about people like Christine who read The Bible over and over again. Sure, there's a lot of wisdom in The Good Book, but some parts are downright pseudo-erotic. I'd love to know which pages Christine has dog-eared.

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John Blumenthal has been a professional comedy writer for 25 years. A former associate editor and columnist at Playboy Magazine (following a short stint at Esquire), he's written 8 books and 2 produced movies. His films include "Short Time," (major (more...)
 

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