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The Short, Sad Life of Greedaholics Anonymous

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   "I was wondering, would it be okay if I made a list of those I didn't harm instead?   I mean, for the sake of efficiency."

   "I don't see why not, Ivan.   But what have you done about the amends?"

   "Plenty!   I just made a huge contribution to the women working at my Foxconn factory in China."

   "Good for you, Ivan!   Did you raise their pay?"

   "Uh " that never occurred to me.   But I did fund a new suicide net out of my own pocket and it's already caught six girl missiles.   Does that count?"

   "Sure it does.   You kept those girls from hitting rock bottom."

   "Hi, my name is Donald and I'm a greedaholic."

   "Hi Donald!"

   "I can't help myself; I still want all the money.   I live in constant dread that someone, somewhere, is a dollar richer than I am.   Am I going to hell?"

   "Maybe, but you better clear it with Bernie first.   He owns it."

   "Hi, my name is Dick and I'm a greedaholic."

   "Hi Dick!"

   "This one time " funny story, actually " I was the market maker for a major drug company.   We were deep in clinical trials on a new compound, supposed to make your eyelashes longer.   Thing is, we already blinded like nine women and I'm stuck in a heavy long position.   So, I'm on the phone to the lead doc screaming "Don't tell "em yet!   I gotta dump my options.   Can you wait until the strike date?'"

   "Well, did he?"

   "Yup.   I cut him in for half.   But I felt so bad about it I snorted up all the profits."

   "You're a hard case, Dick.   But we all have our sad stories and the answer for all of us is the same.   We must put our fate in the hands of a higher power."

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San Francisco based columnist, author, gym rat and novelist. My book, "The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie" is the best memoir ever written by a cat. Available on, or wherever fine literature is sold with no sales tax collected. For (more...)

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The wretched poor despise us, the middle clas... by Allan Goldstein on Sunday, Jan 13, 2013 at 12:18:14 PM
Why limit greediness to money alone?  What ab... by Robert S. Becker on Sunday, Jan 13, 2013 at 1:40:46 PM
Bob Diamond, CEO of Barclays Bank. He was dragged... by Allan Goldstein on Tuesday, Jan 15, 2013 at 3:45:36 AM
To get a good "snapshot" of greed in what it can d... by John Butler on Monday, Jan 14, 2013 at 3:53:59 PM
saw the trailer and checked Metacritic for reviews... by Robert S. Becker on Monday, Jan 14, 2013 at 7:18:13 PM