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San Francisco based columnist, author, gym rat and novelist. My book, "The Confessions of a Catnip Junkie" is the best memoir ever written by a cat. Available on Amazon.com, or wherever fine literature is sold with no sales tax collected.
For those seeking more detail on yours truly, the following is from my website, allangoldstein.com, where you can partake copiously, and for free.
"Allan Goldstein lives in San Francisco with his wife, Jordan, and a minimum of two cats. His op-ed newspaper column,"Caught off Base," has appeared in San Francisco's West Portal Monthly for the past decade. Satire, invective and humor are specialties.
He also blogs regularly on opednews.com and on hypocrisy.com under the pseudonym Snark Twain. Other work has appeared in Spitball, The Baseball Literary Review, The Potomac Review, and several magazines including Rock and Gem and Pilot's Preflight. He is currently at work on his third novel."
(28 comments) SHARE Thursday, August 6, 2009 Republican Autoerotic Asphyxiation
The sad, slow suicide of a once-great American Party. And why we need not fear it.
(5 comments) SHARE Sunday, January 13, 2013 The Short, Sad Life of Greedaholics Anonymous
Sometimes it takes a grand human tragedy to put the petty problems of our petty lives into proper perspective. While we were nursing new year's hangovers caused by BevMo Beaujolais and generic Gin, the Important People of the World were trying, and failing, to recover from a terrible addiction: greed.
(35 comments) SHARE Tuesday, July 1, 2014 Repeal the Second Amendment.
If the people don't want guns in their society, they should have the right to ban them. Or, at the very least, keep them out of the hands of idiots who aren't sane enough to pass the Driver's Exam. But we can't even do that, because of the tyrannical, obsolete, absurd, outdated Second Amendment.
(27 comments) SHARE Tuesday, July 6, 2010 What do we lose if we "lose" in Afghanistan?
Everybody here agrees, we should get out of Afghanistan. But not everyone faces the facts: If we do that, we lose.
What happens when we lose in Afghanistan? When is harsh military power justified? And when is it not? And how do we know the difference?
A few rules of thumb.
(18 comments) SHARE Friday, October 22, 2010 The Counterrevolutionary Delusion
What the rise of the right is really about. Counterrevolution as social pathology.
(5 comments) SHARE Thursday, May 26, 2011 The Poisoned Chalice
Where do these strange Republican candidates come from? What got them here? And where did they go?
(5 comments) SHARE Sunday, March 11, 2012 The Devil's Dictionary; Revised and Updated
Continuing the necessary work of the master. I tackle the wisdom of the ages, at my peril, for your amusement.
(8 comments) SHARE Tuesday, June 22, 2010 The BP oil conspiracy: Coming Attractions!
What really happened in the Gulf is far worse than your worst nightmares. But some courageous souls specialize in nightmares, and here's what they're dreaming up, right now.
(14 comments) SHARE Sunday, March 21, 2010 The Right to get High
Drug prohibition is a disaster. I propose this 28th amendment to the Constitution. "A well-regulated mood being necessary to the pursuit of happiness,
Congress shall make no law abridging the right of the people to get
high."
(21 comments) SHARE Sunday, April 18, 2010 You Want to be a Writer? Here's Some Advice.
Invaluable advice for the word-lorn. The secrets of successful writing revealed! From one who learned the hard way and only wants to "give back."
(11 comments) SHARE Tuesday, April 19, 2011 Breaking up with Obama?
It's not your fault, it's mine. No, really. I'm not just saying that. I'm a progressive, and I blew it.
(11 comments) SHARE Tuesday, July 10, 2012 The Revolution Equation
Do you want to know when big change will come? Just do the math.
(45 comments) SHARE Friday, February 27, 2009 Mostly, We are Idiots. So How Did We Elect a Genius?
A snotty rant against the blogosphere, followed by a cheerful gush about America.
Warning! Contains objectionable opinion about online morons, from which the author does not exclude himself.
(22 comments) SHARE Thursday, September 23, 2010 Where is the progressive Tea Party?
There is no progressive movement in
America, just progressives.
Why can't we get it together?
Where is the progressive Tea Party?
(8 comments) SHARE Tuesday, August 24, 2010 A message from God: You're Fired
From the Desk of The Lord:
I hereby terminate all spokespersons, authorities, publicists and uniformed clergy from my employ. They are all fired, they no longer speak for me. The merciful and righteous among them may continue in my good graces, but their pronouncements and edicts are strictly their own. I will no longer be responsible for obligations taken on my behalf by them, in any case whatsoever.
(2 comments) SHARE Thursday, February 4, 2010 The Republican Playbook: Uncensored
In a caper worthy of the great James O'Keefe, of Mary Landrieu break-in fame, your author has purloined a top secret copy of The Republican Playbook.
Or, the Heathen's Guide to Total Opposition.
(5 comments) SHARE Saturday, June 12, 2010 Government by obscenely rich amateurs
Is it not too late to save democracy from the great money deluge? Or are we doomed to be (mis)governed by dismissed CEO's forever?
(9 comments) SHARE Tuesday, September 7, 2010 A Walk on the Bright Side
What is there to feel good about in our season of discontent? More than you think.
(38 comments) SHARE Thursday, January 27, 2011 Everyone is born a Socialist
The conservatives have it wrong. The philosophical roots of the progressive project are born inside us.
(4 comments) SHARE Thursday, November 13, 2014 The Sissy Cynic's Guide to Ebola
The cure for Ebola is already here, no doubt lurking in some laboratory, waiting to be tested, proven and deployed. It will happen in record time, and when it happens our response will be "about time." It will cause less jubilation than the launch of a new app. In America. In Africa I think they'll appreciate it.
(3 comments) SHARE Sunday, May 16, 2010 BP takes a leak on America
A love letter to BP. They really need a hug right now, and I'm just the guy to give it to them.
(12 comments) SHARE Thursday, August 20, 2009 You blame Obama, I blame You
"Let's Blame Obama": How progressive passivity fails the future and hands it to the forces of reaction.
You can blame the president, or you can try getting off the couch and doing something.
(1 comments) SHARE Friday, January 15, 2010 Sirens for Haiti
Thinking of Haiti, 7000 miles away, in stormy San Francisco. The night of.
(7 comments) SHARE Saturday, March 21, 2015 Hollywood's Great Generation Gap Fail
Youth, they say, is misunderstood. What they don't say is that youth wants to be misunderstood. Being misunderstood provides an illusion of uniqueness. And it's hard to feel special when you Instagram your daily lunch.
Old people are less misunderstood, except by young writers who don't get them. So here are a few clues. Maybe they'll make my next movie going experience less annoying.
(6 comments) SHARE Saturday, March 21, 2009 Dick Cheney was Absolutely Right, and Other News
A stalwart defense of our ex-VP, the House of Saud, and Ann Coulter, proving that March Madness is not confined to the basketball court.
(3 comments) SHARE Thursday, May 10, 2012 The Continuing Killing of Trayvon Martin
If you want to understand the enduring interest in this tragedy you have to see it for what it is: An exorcism.
(28 comments) SHARE Tuesday, August 6, 2013 The Unlovely Profit Motive
Profit is the lifeblood of our economic system. But that doesn't mean we have to like it.
(1 comments) SHARE Thursday, May 7, 2009 Swine Flu Hate Speech
Out of the sty and into the streets!
The Porcine International Goodwill Society, or P.I.G.S, demands an end to the hateful hate speech of a hateful humanity!
(2 comments) SHARE Friday, May 28, 2010 The Hidden, Cosmic Message in Avatar and District 9
What Avatar and District 9 share, other than a general hatred of humanity, and a general love of Technicolor aliens. A secret message for mankind, courtesy the Na'vi and Prawns.
(7 comments) SHARE Wednesday, August 4, 2010 Lazy-Americans: The Last Despised Minority
Laziness is the ultimate sin. And I'm the ultimate sinner. But I'm not alone, not by a long shot.
When we wish one another a good day, we say "take it easy." If you want to wish someone a bad day, say the opposite. You'll lose a friend, but how virtuous of you!
(6 comments) SHARE Friday, March 25, 2011 Libya, Leadership and Lives
Getting it right in Libya. When everyone is against you, except the people you are helping, you are probably doing it right.
(15 comments) SHARE Tuesday, December 4, 2012 Victory in the Culture War
There are battles yet to come. But the tide has turned, the lines are smashed, the outcome no longer in doubt. We have won the culture war.
(6 comments) SHARE Monday, September 5, 2011 Teaching History to a Digital Generation
The digital generation has historical amnesia. But whose fault is that? Look in the mirror, my grizzled veteran friends.
(6 comments) SHARE Tuesday, June 28, 2011 Selling the Revolution
A sales seminar for progressives. Because the future doesn't make itself.
(1 comments) SHARE Sunday, October 25, 2009 How to Get Out of Afghanistan
Never let a good crisis go to waste. A crisis is coming in Afghanistan. And a chance to get out, if we don't waste it.
(4 comments) SHARE Thursday, August 4, 2011 The Debt Strike Pledge
Default was a bluff and our so-called leaders folded. The enemies of the people won.
Next time we should call that bluff and make them feel the pain. A call for a general strike on debt.
(5 comments) SHARE Friday, March 6, 2009 The Crash, the Panic, the Depression.
The panic of 2008, the depression of 2009-? An historical, not to say hysterical, analysis of previous economic catastrophes going back to 1819. And why Obama needs to keep his powder dry and coffers full if we are going to survive this one.
(7 comments) SHARE Thursday, January 16, 2014 A reluctant defense of Political Correctness
A little love for political correctness, the ugly stepchild of cultural discourse. Political correctness,properly understood, is merely the code of honor, doing its essential work: holding society together in the absence of any other agreed moral/religious standards of behavior.
(2 comments) SHARE Thursday, October 4, 2012 Obama wins? So what?
Obama needs to make this election about the will of the people. As in, will the will of the people be thwarted, yet again?
(5 comments) SHARE Tuesday, May 13, 2014 Failing the Edward Snowden Litmus Test.
The job of our elected representatives isn't to persecute the whistle-blowers. It is to BE the whistle-blowers.
(3 comments) SHARE Tuesday, July 9, 2013 Supreme Court Schizophrenia
When we say the Supreme Court has been politicized we besmirch the meaning of politics. They're fan boys for the GOP.
(3 comments) SHARE Sunday, November 15, 2009 Nadal Hasan and the Vices and Virtues of Political Correctness.
A little love for the unloved virtues of political correctness. How they can help us mitigate the consequences of Nadal Hasan's attack, if properly used. And how they can blind us to the naked truth, if not.
(6 comments) SHARE Thursday, March 13, 2014 Dear Hillary, Announce Now
Hillary Clinton needs to announce now and remove any uncertainty about her candidacy. As long as she’s in the race, announced or otherwise, she’ll get all the attention on the Democratic side. If she’s not going to run, she needs to step aside immediately.
(2 comments) SHARE Thursday, November 3, 2011 Occupy Wall Street In The Spotlight
The true source of the occupy movement's terrible, awesome power. And how to keep it strong.
SHARE Thursday, February 19, 2009 Geert Wilder and the Swat Valley Follies: Tolerance or Cowardice?
Tolerance is a virtue. Cowardice isn't. We are using the former as an excuse for the latter. As our gutless reaction to recent events in the Swat Vally of Pakistan and the British parliament sadly proves.
(4 comments) SHARE Saturday, December 5, 2009 It's Not a Surge, it's Chemotherapy
What Obama was really saying in West Point. If you can get past your "he's killing babies!" outrage (like Afghanistan and Pakistan under the Taliban will be Candyland for women and children)you might hear what he was saying to you, and the world.
(12 comments) SHARE Monday, July 19, 2010 An Open Letter to the Tea Partiers
The Tea Partiers are not going away, no matter how fervently we wish they would. Screaming at them does as much good as their screaming at us.
I offer this with civility, from one American to another, in the sincere hope that it will help.
(2 comments) SHARE Thursday, December 23, 2010 Which Side Are You On?
We have to choose, and the American people have to choose, whether they like it or not.
(1 comments) SHARE Tuesday, January 5, 2010 The Vigorish is Too High
The Masters of Money are destroying our economy. Their cut is too big, there's not enough left for the rest of us. The vigorish is too high.
(4 comments) SHARE Monday, December 16, 2013 The Case for Market Socialism
When an economy fails to serve the people it's a failed economy. The markets have driven global capitalism into a ditch.
To fix it, we need some new ideas. Here's one.
(2 comments) SHARE Wednesday, January 11, 2012 Welcome to the big leagues, Mitt
If you think the GOP is disenchanted with Willard "Mitt" Romney now, wait until Obama gets done with him.
(23 comments) SHARE Friday, November 2, 2012 Romney fakes left, scores
Romney is running far to the left of Romney. That he had to do it is encouraging, that he may get away with it is depressing.
(7 comments) SHARE Wednesday, May 8, 2013 Perchance to Dream
The patient has cancer, diabetes, heart failure, bird flu and gangrene is setting in. We have been diagnosed.
Why doesn't it seem to make any difference? Is it perhaps because we're demoralized?
Let's pretend, just between you and me, that there is a way out of our dismal reality.
(4 comments) SHARE Wednesday, January 28, 2015 The Word War II Delusion
War is murder. Sometimes defensive war is necessary. But what gave us the crazy idea that war can have a happy outcome for everyone concerned? World War II.
(3 comments) SHARE Sunday, May 24, 2009 Much ado about everything
The secret news they don't want you to hear, revealed, manufactured and deconstructed!
(11 comments) SHARE Monday, July 20, 2009 Cover Everybody
There is only one moral imperative that must be obeyed in health care reform. Cover everybody. Every single American. And do it now.
(2 comments) SHARE Thursday, April 1, 2010 All the important debates are inside the Democratic party.
The right has forfeited. The serious political questions of the day are being debated in one party only. From the center to the left, all the arguments, all the work of governing is happening inside the Democratic party. And here's why.
SHARE Saturday, June 6, 2009 We Are All Libertarians, Even Dick Cheney
We need rights to protect us from others and laws to protect others from us. An article in which Dick Cheney appears as a good guy, despite himself.
(1 comments) SHARE Saturday, December 12, 2009 A Very Meh-ry Year
Some reflections, as 2009, real and virtual, stumbles to an end. Caution: Some serious snark inside.
(2 comments) SHARE Saturday, September 8, 2012 Debunking debunking
A liberal without ideals and hope is no liberal at all. Ideals are a promissory note. A liberal, by any name and at all times, is one who does his or her level best to cash that check.
(1 comments) SHARE Tuesday, June 30, 2009 Satirists on Strike!
The vicissitudes of satire & political commentary.
(7 comments) SHARE Tuesday, April 28, 2009 The Great Obama Rebranding: Part two
How Barack Obama is repairing the tattered American brand and how it got broken in the first place.
Hint: Neither extreme is going to like it.
SHARE Wednesday, April 8, 2009 Good Things in Bad Times
Hope, Baseball and the bittersweet lessons of the season. All is not lost because much of what we lost we needed to lose. But will we find the right things?
(1 comments) SHARE Tuesday, March 5, 2013 The Politics of Show versus the Politics of Go
If you want to stop the man from keeping you down you have to keep the man down, constantly, vigilantly, forcefully, with slow, steady political pressure.
(1 comments) SHARE Sunday, September 6, 2009 Calling all Commies: We Need You!
Rx. A prescription for progress. Take two communism tablets and call me in the morning.
(3 comments) SHARE Tuesday, September 29, 2009 No, You Can't
The world is breaking. Chaos beckons, and Barack Obama, the man who gave us hope when he said "Yes, we can," now needs to speak a new phrase. He may have to say it to our generals, he may have to say it to Ahmadinejad, he may have to say it to us. "No, you can't."
(2 comments) SHARE Friday, April 30, 2010 On the dire necessity of optimism
Optimism is the missing ingredient in much progressive thinking. If we don't change that, we fail.
(1 comments) SHARE Wednesday, September 4, 2013 Staying Straight in Sochi
The Official Guide to Olympic Behavior from the Russian Ministry of Sexual Hygiene
SHARE Wednesday, November 25, 2009 I Could be Even More Thankful
A short, satirical to-do list for the holiday season. Go ahead, it's okay. You can laugh and still get to heaven one fine day. It might even help.
SHARE Saturday, October 10, 2009 Who Roots for America?
The revolution we started in 1776 needn't end in failure. America is still a place we can make, if we root for it. But who roots for America anymore?
(4 comments) SHARE Sunday, February 1, 2009 We need a bubble!
We'll never get out of our economic tailspin unless we do this. Pronto.
(1 comments) SHARE Tuesday, June 11, 2013 A call from Justice
Justice is a universal human ideal. So why not build a society on that foundation? Why not reach for what we have always wanted? Why not Justism?