Good Morning Middle America, welcome to your King of Simple News Network where we continue to sort the wheat from the chaff.
US NEWS: Here in the Simple News room I find myself shorthanded, as a full half of my staff is absent. My wife went to a wedding.
The presidential debates have begun to focus on key issues that represent the greatest concerns of Middle America. After hours of serious debate in forums across the country, Democratic candidates have boiled the issues down to one, their opponents are pond scum.
The Republicans on the other hand, have held more civil and comprehensive debates, determining that the most critical issue facing Middle America is that their opponents are not only pond scum, but dirt-bag-gutter-trash.
All of the candidates however, have made it clear that they will support which ever pond-scum- dirt-bag-gutter-trash that receives the nomination in hopes of obtaining the nod for Vice-Presidential running mate.
Immigration continues to be a heavily debated topic as individual plans surrounding the intricacies of an immigration control plan are discussed with such vigor as to give the appearance that a hockey game could break out at any minute. In Las Vegas, Hillary Clinton is an odds on favorite should such a brawl materialize.
All of the candidates do seem to have come to at least one agreement concerning immigration, once elected president; they’ll drop the entire subject.
Dennis Kucinich on the Democratic side and Ron Paul on the Republican side, are noted by the other candidates as being somewhat nut-job-kooks for wanting to end the Iraqi war, strengthen the domestic economy, and balance the budget. Clearly ridiculous ideas that fewer than 90% of voters would support.
WALL STREET: Citigroup, failing to find money in the U.S., sells a $7.5 Billion stake to an Arab investment group, with a guaranteed 11% return. Citi promises U.S. investors that under the present management strategy, and with great care taken not to make any further loans to people who have no money, they should continue to go down the drain as planned. Massive layoffs are expected to be among the gifts that Citi employee’s can expect for Christmas.
Consumer confidence was reported as going lower than presidential debate tactics, oil remains well above $90 per barrel, jobless claims hit a 9 month high, housing continues to crumble, holiday shopping is weak, and the stock market is going up like a rocket on the hopes that the FED will lower interest rates.
MASS: A new law that would prohibit parents from spanking their children for any reason, in any place (even at home), is being tested to determine the level of support that the plan will find. Grace Finkenbinders 3rd grade class in Boston is backing the bill 100%. Governor Mitt Romney was unwilling to take a stance until such time that it is apparent which direction would result in the most presidential votes.
That’s the news for November 29, 2007, WOW!
Wake up Middle America; the criminally insane have gained control of the hospital