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What if there really was a Liberal Bias in the Press?

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What if you woke up one morning and went to your front walk and picked up your morning paper to find that overnight there had been a revolution and the press really had been taken over by liberals. What would it look like? I think it might look something like this.

Republicans Push New Tax Plan

Today house Republicans voted unanimously to dump more disabled, poor children and seniors off healthcare, deprive hungry families of food and shut down Headstart programs across America so that Joe & Jane Millionaire can get another yacht. Further it has been decided officially that getting your money while sitting on your yacht (collecting dividends) is favored over actually physically working for it (wages) and as such millionaires will be excused from taxes on dividends and capital gains.

Hugo Chavez Bails Out Poor

Hugo Chavez, the hero President of Venezuela and the leader of the democracy movement in South America saved poor people in the Bronx and Massachusetts from freezing to death in their homes by selling them cheap oil to stay warm with. The Bush Administration stated, "This is a distortion of the free market where some people get to freeze while others just fly to the Bahamas, and we think it sets a terrible precedent that will just make poor people want more."

U.S. Attempts to Avoid Responsibility in Mass Murder

In Iraq today, the puppet court of Donald Rumsfeld attempted to focus on the oldest smallest crimes possible hoping to get a conviction and immediate execution of Saddam Hussein, former dictator of Iraq. Representative of truth in law, Ramsey Clark issued a statement saying, "The U.S. hopes to get Saddam executed before he can talk about their complicity in the gassing of the Kurds and Iranians."

Syria and Iran Threatened by the U.S. and Israel

The U.S. upped its threats to Iranian and Syrian sovereignty today demanding a McDonalds on every corner, that the Washington Times and Fox take over their media and that they go back to burning camel dung for fuel in order to prove they were no threat to western oil and economic control. Israel offered to bomb Iranian energy sites "just for the hell of it".

Corruption on Every Corner

It appears that the Republican Party will have so many congressman, senators, governors and other illegally elected and corrupt officials indicted that the rest of the congressional session will have to be canceled for lack of a quorum until new elections are held. Asked for a statement, jailed leaders Tom Delay and Bill Frist stated, "We don't really understand the problem". K-Street also issued a statement decrying the fact that the 2006 draft for new lobbyists would have to be postponed for at least two more years.

Megalomanics Cheney and Rove Plotting Overthrow of Government

The evil Machiavellian machinations of Vice President Dick Cheney and Chief of Staff Karl Rove have reached a new level. Threatened with being forced into resignation or indictment, the two have secretly hatched a plot to fake a terrorist act or turn loose a pandemic so they can declare martial law. Asked what he thought of this, President Bush choked on a pretzel and fell to the ground. Luckily Condolezza Rice was there to perform the Heimlich maneuver and then gave him mouth to mouth resuscitation which seemed to go on for an extraordinary length of time.

President Shows Lack of Knowledge Once Again

Yesterday when asked how many civilians were killed in Iraq, President Bush took a wild stab in the dark and guessed 30,000. When it was pointed out that independent sources had estimated Iraqi civilian deaths at approximately 120,000 he responded that he seemed to remember from 8th grade history that dark skinned people counted less. He also stated when asked about whether the color of people's skin impacted his decision making about New Orleans, that he was insulted that anybody would imply that he was prejudiced.

Governor Schwarzenegger Refuses Act of Simple Decency

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John Kelley is the Managing Editor of a monthly progressive newsmagazine, "We the People News", in Corpus Christi, Texas
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