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Human Coprophagia

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Message Mark Sashine
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Dog Coprophagia- the unfortunate habit of the dogs to eat theirs (and others) feces'  From the Internet



Ever seen that? When a puppy is after the feces, he is voracious: off he goes like crazy and if you interrupt him he growls and snarls at you. He is really irritated, even hysterical in a way.

With dogs it is simple; it is an instinct, not their fault. There is a meat tenderizer, such products as Deter and Forbid; there is also a blessing of Tabasco sauce. One drop of that thing on the feces and the poor puppy backs off. Eventually most of the dogs outgrow the habit. Dogs are smart.

With humans it is much harder. A credit of the discovery of the human coprophagia goes to the Russian writer Feodor Dostoevsky, the favorite of Laura Bush ( we will return to her shortly).

In the 1860s he visited France under  Napoleon, the Petite and described a puzzling phenomenon he witnessed first-hand. He quotes in his 'Notes of the Traveler' a routine report in one of the Paris newspapers on the recreational equestrian promenade in the Bulone Forest, that favorite park of all Parisians. Apparently the Emperor was a regular there and the reporter practically choked on admiration describing His Majesty on horseback (in the real life Napoleon III was a very ugly, dwarfish character who looked horrible on horseback).

So, why, would the reporter write all that nonsense, asked Feodor Michailovich. He then mused on that puzzle for a while but did not come to any answer. Obviously, the reporter had nothing to gain; hardly the Emperor or anyone on his staff ever read those reports or heard of them. If he was counting on the appreciation of the readership he could say the same thing without hysterics and get the same effect, hopefully. Dostoevsky left that for the reader to ponder.

Right now, after about 150 years of turmoil, death and destruction we do have a definite answer to the puzzle- the reporter did that because he genuinely loved, adored, admired and even sexually desired the Emperor, his posture, his mustaches, his horse and the whole his way of life.. Armed by the advanced veterinary knowledge of the time we can diagnose the human coprophagia- the generation of the poop and eating it with full enjoyment. The answer to the puzzle lies in the realm of unreasonable: we are dealing with an instinct, not some calculated effort. By hysterically praising the Royal Equestrian the said reporter expressed his own total submissiveness, his eager surrender to the power of the Third Empire. Pure coprophagia right there.

Dostoevsky wisely did not publish those notes of his outside of Russia or he might be rebuked, ostracized or even barred from entering France forever just like the modern coprophags had barred Robert Fisk from entering the US for his open criticism of the US and Israeli policies. The more things change the more they stay the same. I will describe below several clinical cases of the modern coprophagia; the cases which surely would have puzzled Dostoevsky but neither Sigmund Freud nor an experienced veterinarian for that matter. Really, we are closer to the animals than we think. I wonder what would the creationists say about all that, coprophags as they are.


Case 1. Laura Bush and Her Taste in Books.


We all know that the Divine Intervention cured our President from alcoholism so that he could install democracy among those who will survive his perpetual war. We also know that our First Lady also seems to be recovering from something; at least that's how she looks like when we see her. Unlike the President, though, Laura claims to be an intelligent being, a librarian with impeccable taste in books. She thus was once asked about her favorite novel and, lo and behold it happened to be 'The Brothers Karamazov' by Feodor Dostoevsky.

Oh, well. Some staff member most likely had a list of the suitable authors/novels ready for her and she picked the most fashionable name totally ignorant of the fact that if Dostoevsky is considered by the literati as the most complicated Russian author, that particular novel is well-known as one of the least understandable, so purely Russian that we have to engage another genius here, namely Joseph Brodsky and his famous, ' Only the fellow- countryman can understand that..' There was not a chance in Hell that Laura could appreciate much less even understand anything there. That is even if we take a chance that she read the abridged/translated version of it with comments. But I am not talking about her. There are literally thousands of very educated people in the US who know a lot about Dostoevsky. So, why there was not even one scathing, sarcastic article about that episode, recommending our dear little librarian to pick up something closer to her heart, like a book about little goat, so admired by her husband at the crucial moment of our history? Hey, no comedian even mentioned that. Instead the media coprophags engaged in voracious poop- eating: her intelligence and her taste in books were praised by all the doggies, great and small for about a week RIP, Feodor Michailovichl you are now officially the favorite author of Laura, the Chief Librarian. Long live the Patriot Act and the FBI right to snitch on the library cards.


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The writer is 67 years old, semi- retired engineer, PhD, PE. I write fiction on a regular basis and I am also 10 years on OEN.

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