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OpEdNews Op Eds    H3'ed 7/19/08

Monster of the Century Contest

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Message Rafe Pilgrim
!!!!!!! Welcome to the Monster of the Century Award Competition !!!!!!!.

Everyone gets a chance to vote! And if you've been arrested without habeas corpus, you get two votes !.And if you have guest status at the Guantanamo Resort, you get one vote for each year ! Plus a bonus vote for each water-boarding incident you've survived !

First -- the unfinished business -- Though hard to believe, the Champion Monster of the 20th Century has still not been officially crowned, so we need to tidy up this matter first, and in order to be eligible to vote for the 21st Century champion, you'll need to vote for the 20th Century champ. The three finalists for Monster of the 20th Century are:

...........Josef Stalin from the Soviet Union ! Hard to beat this guy for sheer numbers slaughtered, but he does not rank highly in style points with the judges.

...........Pol Pot, the Asian contender from Cambodia who has somewhere between one and two million slaughtered to his credit -- not too high in the raw numbers, but that did constitute somewhere between 25 and 30 percent of the Cambodian population of his era.

...........Adolph Hitler -- No introduction needed here, the odds-on favorite, having wiped out millions at home in Germany and causing the death of tens of millions in his personal creation known as WII, history's worst war (so far)..So don't delay -- vote today, so we can "move forward," to quote a famous American, and into the 21st Century.

(Please note: The judges are not amused by the unsolicited votes they have received for an uncertified contest for the Booby of the 20th Century, but nonetheless reluctantly report that the leading contenders for this unsanctioned prize are (#2) Ronald Reagan for believing he could reverse the inevitable course of social progress in America, and (#1) the American Electorate who allowed him to do it.)

****Moving right along now to the Monster of the 21st Century Competition****

Although the Century is indeed quite young, monster fans can appreciate that we do in fact now have two outstanding candidates with such a head start that it may well be impossible for them to be overtaken in the remaining 92 years. Without further ado, they are:

...........His Excellency President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, whose record for slaughter runs into the hundreds of thousands, with impressive style points for use of the basics, such as hand weapons, spears and axes. And we mustn't underestimate this contender merely on his more modest slaughter numbers alone, but should also consider that he has fixed six presidential elections, whereas as his leading contender has but two fixes to his credit.

...........His Excellency President George W. Bush of the United States of Ex-America, who has a seven figure lead in the slaughter category over anyone else so far in this century, and who endorses torture, the "nucler" option, has trashed a Constitution over two centuries the law of the land, has disproved the proposition that liars and cheaters cannot win, but has proved the proposition that anyone, yes anyone can be president.

............Well, there you have it: the leading candidates for the Monster of the 21st Century Award Competition !

(Once more I am obliged to report that the judges are again not amused by the unsanctioned proposal for a Booby of the 21st Century Award, with the uncertified leading contenders being: (#2) the Republicans who actually believed in and voted for Bush, and (#1) those who actually believe that the Democrats have the integrity and courage to do anything about the damage caused and yet to be caused.)

Sounds rather negative, you say? Lest you forget this is the Monster of the Century Competition ! And we do have voter eligibility rules, e.g. to qualify one must possess certain minimum standards of integrity, courage, intelligence and goodwill. While we recognize that this will disqualify most Republicans and Democrats of serious partisan persuasion, we will be content with the relatively small number of serious Americans from across the country, that could be perhaps as many as ten or twelve, and we admit that we may yet be surprised by a surge (oops!) to consciousness from countless millions of citizens sleeping across the past seven or eight years.

***Now get voting for the Monster of the Century in what may be America's short lived revival of an Honest Election ! ***

...............(signed) Frank N. Stein, MTC (Monster Third Class)

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Rafe Pilgrim, after "a life largely wasted on hard honest work," found himself a jungle of turkey oak, scrub pine and giant palmettos up a dirt road running east of Crystal River, Florida, which neither school busses nor the U.S. Postal Service dare (more...)
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