(Alaska Governor Sarah
Palin's office, August 27, 2008.)
Secretary: "Governor Palin, your 2 o'clock is here."
(A mysterious figure walks into the office. Palin rises from her desk and
shakes the stranger's hand.)
Palin: "Hi, I'm Sarah . . ."
Stranger: "Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, governor. I know
you're busy . . .
Palin: "I'm really not that busy. My job has no actual responsibilities .
. ."
Stranger: "Very well. I'd like to get right to my business then, if I
could. I have a bargain for you."
Palin: "Yes."
Stranger: "I'm in a position to offer you a spot on the Republican
presidential ticket with John McCain. If you accept my bargain, you also will
receive fame and riches beyond anything you can possibly dream of . . . "
Palin: "Okay."
Stranger: "Okay?"
Palin: "I accept."
Stranger: "Don't you want to know what you have to give me in
return?"
Palin: "It's not necessary."
Stranger: "Humor me."
Palin: "Okay. What do I have to give you in return?"
Stranger: "Your soul."
Palin: "Is that all?"
Stranger: "I don't think you understand?"
Palin (frustrated): "My soul. Is that all?"
Stranger: "As my old friend Richard M. Nixon says, 'let me make myself
perfectly clear.' If you accept this bargain, governor, I will own your soul.
You will lose everything that really matters - your integrity, your
credibility, your morality, your intelligence, or what's left of it anyway . .
. "
Palin: "But I'll be vice president . . ."
Stranger: "No, you'll run for vice president."
Palin (angrily): "Why can't I be vice president?"
Stranger: "I only did that with Dick Cheney because he's practically
family."
Palin: "But you said I'll be rich and famous!"
Stranger: "Yes, you'll be rich and famous. But you will become an
international laughingstock, governor, a punch line in search of a joke. As for
your fame, governor, your supporters will be the kind of people that, frankly,
give me the heebie-jeebies. Am I clear?"
Palin: "But I'll make lots of money, right, and get to travel in
limousines and fly first class, and stay in five-star hotels?"
Stranger (losing his patience): "Well, yes, but you'll be eternally
damned! Do you know what that means?"
Palin: "Will I be friends with Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck?"
Stranger: "Apparently, you understand eternal damnation."
Palin: "I live in Alaska."
Stranger: "Good point. Any other questions?"
Palin: "Can I can have my own reality show?"
Stranger: "Of course."
Palin: "And be a commentator on Fox News?"
Stranger: "I'm sure that can be arranged."
Palin: "Are you Satan?"
Stranger: "No, governor, I'm Roger Ailes. If there isn't anything else,
would you sign this contract?"
(Palin signs the contract. Two days later, on August 29, 2008, GOP presidential
candidate John McCain announces he has selected Sarah Palin as his running mate.)
Chris Lamb is a communication professor at the College of
Charleston. He is author of the book, The Sound and Fury of Sarah Palin (FrontLine
Press).
