163 online
Most Popular Choices
Share on Facebook 28 Printer Friendly Page More Sharing
OpEdNews Op Eds    H2'ed 3/22/12

Governor Vaginal Probe or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Stupid Laws

By       (Page 1 of 2 pages)   1 comment
Message Ken Wheatcroft-Pardue
Become a Fan
  (4 fans)

I've been steamed for quite awhile about the just plain mean move by our Texas legislators to force women who want to have an abortion to see a sonogram of the fetus, listen to its heartbeat, and give all their spare change to the Rick Perry Rent-a-Mansion Fund.

Well, the last part is made up, but not by much. Our illustrious governor and not-ready-for-primetime former Presidential candidate declared this Be-a-Jerk-to-Pregnant-Women Bill an emergency despite Texas being in the midst of a several billion dollar shortfall. I wonder what a comedy troupe like Monty Python could do with this blatant example of government fiat and idiocy . . .

"You can have an abortion if you jump ten steps backward while saying yahoo, yahoo, Texas," declares the Head of the Implementation of Asinine Laws.

"I don't feel like it," says our damsel in distress.

"Well, you should have thought about that before you engaged in sexual congress, you sluttish trollop," answers the head job.

"Why doesn't the guy who got me in this condition have to do anything?" the woman reasonably asks.

"Oh, that's silly," the assistant to the head of the implementation of stupid laws, who bears a remarkable resemblance to a young Eric Idle, says, "he's not the one wanting an abortion, is he now, huh, huh, huh?"

Seeing that there is no arguing, the poor woman finally relents, "Oh, okay, I'll do it."

" Wait," the Eric Idle look-alike says, "between each yahoo say "Obama was born in Kenya.'"

" Really?" the woman asks.

" Really," he says, "and do it with enthusiasm."

Then the woman begins to jump backwards, while saying with as much enthusiasm as she can muster, "Yahoo, yahoo, Texas. Obama was born in Kenya."

After she goes five steps back, the head job squeals, "You didn't say "Mother may I.' You have to start all over again."

But there's another way to see this abomination of the legislative process. As my grandmother used to say, what's good for the goose is also good for the gander, or was it a rolling stone gathers no moss. I don't know. Anyway, turnabout is fair play. If and when Texans return to sanity and stop sending Know Nothings, birthers, and assorted wing-nuts to Austin, sane people could be in control, and they could do unto the self-righteous rednecks as they have done to us.

For example, if a governor pushes for billions of dollars to be cut from education, he would have to teach for one week in an inner city middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL, BWA, HA, HA, HA! Yes, teach forty middle school kids in the midst of hormonal tsunamis all crowded into one small classroom without air conditioning. Oh, especially after lunch. And he'd have to be videotaped, and get no help from assistants or any "non-essential" school employees and no security detail. I bet he wouldn't last a day.

But why stop there? Any governor who would cut Medicaid would have to spend a week at a public hospital emptying bed pans and taking blood pressure, holding the hands of those who were dying and comforting the grieving loved ones. Then he'd have to look in the eyes of a mother whose child will die without medical care and tell that mother, "Sorry, we can afford to help the super rich, but we can't help your son."

Next Page  1  |  2

(Note: You can view every article as one long page if you sign up as an Advocate Member, or higher).

Must Read 2   Well Said 2   Valuable 2  
Rate It | View Ratings

Ken Wheatcroft-Pardue Social Media Pages: Facebook page url on login Profile not filled in       Twitter page url on login Profile not filled in       Linkedin page url on login Profile not filled in       Instagram page url on login Profile not filled in

I blog at "Left-Wing Tex" from beautiful Fort Worth, Texas. Here I am a retired English-as-a-Second Language teacher. I have had poems published in a number of venues, including California Quarterly, Borderlands, The Texas (more...)

Go To Commenting
The views expressed herein are the sole responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of this website or its editors.
Writers Guidelines

Contact AuthorContact Author Contact EditorContact Editor Author PageView Authors' Articles
Support OpEdNews

OpEdNews depends upon can't survive without your help.

If you value this article and the work of OpEdNews, please either Donate or Purchase a premium membership.

If you've enjoyed this, sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter to get lots of great progressive content.
Daily Weekly     OpEd News Newsletter
   (Opens new browser window)

Most Popular Articles by this Author:     (View All Most Popular Articles by this Author)

Believe it or Not, Trump is Not Our Main Problem

The Broken Government

Dating in Your Sixties or Beware of Crazy Greek Psychotherapists!

The G(OP)rinch that Stole Democracy

2020: Welcome to Dystopian America: Like Us, But Only Worse

Beware the Coming Zombie Republican Apocalypse!

To View Comments or Join the Conversation:

Tell A Friend