For years left-wing pundits, such as myself for example, have been lambasting the startlingly ham-handed Republican tendency to pick the lamest shills, ghastly clichés which embarrass all concerned with their bald phoniness and tin voices. This ineptitude has in fact grown to be one of the few endearing qualities for the party that also brought us Cambodian bombings, Co-In-Tel-Pro, Enron, Tom DeLay, Iran-Contra, Contract on America, SEC de-regulations and Extraordinary Rendition.
The consolation was that at least we got to laugh at the perpetual parade of fools and fakers occasional GOP banner wavers turn out to be on closer inspection. Like Michael Moore, I also enjoyed the pre-rehab road-wreck Brittney Spears who was still America’s darling back in ’03 when her president needed her and, as documented in Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11, on cue Bush’s favorite Barbie Doll encouraged the youth of America to stay steadfast with our president in everything he did. It was a speech so phony it made you wonder if her Catholic school girl outfits had been approved by the rectory.
But the examples just start there. Consider Dan Quayle for example, so false he didn’t even know how to correctly spell his own last name, or “potato” for that matter. Oliver North who continues to parade himself as if he were a patriot instead someone who would plot to sell drugs to American inner city youth and sell weapons to our enemies and still expect a medal for it. Or the famed Family Values guy William Bennet, caught gambling the night away, or maybe Colin Powell lying his ass off in front of the UN trying to sell Bush’s war for him and trading away what was left of his credibility.
But this year’s wind-up toy of an “‘authentic’ man in the street” accidental party spokes stooge, is a boob that is showing signs of being a figure well inflated beyond ordinary human dimension, yes ladies and gentlemen, I am talking about your Miss Teen California, Joe the Plumber.
While it is true most journalists prefer to refer to Carrie Prejean as the Miss America contestant who got herself caught in a faux controversy over gay marriage when she lost in the pageant because her speaking skills didn‘t measure up, a slightly closer look at before and after photos on loan from her plastic surgeon reveal quite clearly that “Ms Prejean,” as most Americans have come to know her, is actually just the latest attempt to cash in by the once ubiquitous Samuel Wurzelbacher, a.k.a. "Joe the Plumber," last seen being booed as an idiot as fundraisers for losing candidates.
After the book deal and the singing contract I had given up on the boy, but this latest re-branding is a stroke genius. Well, almost. I had actually already given up on paying attention to Prejean a couple of weeks ago when she was simply a sore loser. But now that I know that she is a fake-boob-jobbed job jeopardized due to topless photos pre-programmed pod people for the religious right who has face to face talks with the Christian god and his Satan, I’ve evolved to a position that Prejean is entitled to a bit of my prejudice.
Probably what first caught my attention to the fact that Prejean is actually just the latest incarnation of “Joe the Plumber” was when it turned out the purported spokesperson could barely speak. Even the best boob job couldn’t conceal the fact that Prejean was so vapid she even, briefly, made Dana Perino look intelligent, a feat most folks thought impossible without long denied stem cell research. It is as if the GOP had purchased themselves their own grown up sized JonBenet doll, but forgot to engage the mind-mouth program interface.
Maybe if we are lucky we won’t have to give this one a full fifteen minutes worth of fame. Perez Hilton, you perforated the right right-wing windbag that time, man, you are the man!
--mikel weisser writes from the left coast of Arizona.
