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Three Year Itch

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My fellow Americans, I am speaking to you tonight on the eve of the third anniversary of the liberation of Iraq. Though evil-doer Saddam Hussein is now out of power and on trial, three years into the Iraq war, a war my own administration insisted would last no more than a few days, weeks or months, it has become clear to a majority of this country that I and those around me have no idea what the hell we are doing. This admission is further evinced by my own obvious blankness of mind.

Nonetheless and as always, I will be steadfast in my vision, however blurred and myopic it may be, and my administration intends to stay the course, despite there being no actual understanding of just what that will entail. That we are able to do this is due in no small part to an utterly feckless and cowardly Democratic party. They have proved to be just the kind of party we have been telling Americans they are all along. Of course, a servile Republican-controlled Congress has blessed my vision of lawlessness and for that, I thank them. The media, too, has been no small help in this effort and I wish to say to them, great job.

I am here to assure this great nation that my administration will continue to dump untold amounts of your tax dollars into the sinkhole of Iraq. We will continue to spy on you to preserve your freedom. We will continue to abuse prisoners in the name of human rights. We will continue to rig and befoul the American electoral process in order that we may further spread democracy. We will ignore the poor and the destitute. We will continue to reward our special friends with tax breaks, regulatory rollbacks and lobby-influenced legislation. We will continue to stifle science, fact and reason and will further promulgate the desires of our fanatical religious base. We will proliferate arms to restive regions of the world in order to support the American defense industry, the only real industry we have left. And we will continue to do all this with the support of Congress. Not your Congress, but ours.

As your president, I pledge to continue all of this and much more.

Good evening and may God bless America.


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An astronomer who has worked on a number of NASA projects, Ken lives in Baltimore, where he devotes his scientific training to observations and inferences about current affairs, politics and the media. He authors Shockfront and The Bonehead (more...)

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