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Senator Santorum and the Case of the Missing Munitions

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Thank goodness for mustard sniffing Sandhounds-the little beasts rooted out the proof. Iraq is definitely infested with bite size WMD's and the issue is forever settled-this war has a justification. No more second guessing-just because they didn't have any of those big boats, or jets with both wings, doesn't mean Iraq wasn't an imminent threat. And no more calling the president an incompetent beady eyed weasel liar who attacked the third most lethal member of the axis of evil, and one of the few "not swarming with al Qaeda" countries, for creepy personal reasons. And cut it out already with the boring smartass remarks about the tens of thousands of dead people-would they rather be deceased under Saddam? Just get over it, man!

So, thank you Senator Rick Santorum and Congressman Peter Hoekstra for talking about something besides gay people, and having the courage to do what the president and Pentagon refused to do-set the record straight.

Santorum got right to the point; "Congressman Hoekstra and I are here today to say that we have found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, chemical weapons. ... Since 2003, coalition forces have recovered approximately 500 weapons munitions which contain degraded mustard or sarin nerve agent."

Of course, a Saddam henchman would have needed to physically hit an American in the head with one of the shells to do any damage-but a free swinger with good stamina could conk a good 45-50 people per day, unless one of our less patient citizens got irritated-disgruntled, if you will-loaded a large caliber rifle from his or her collection and plugged the evildoer in the gizzard-then stood on his larynx to interrupt the air supply.

And more good news-also recovered from the diggings were some unspent javelins, probably left over from the great battle at Gaugamela in 331 B.C., when Alexander the Great marched his troops into present day Iraq, breached the Persian defenses, and defeated the much larger army of Darius III, the Persian King. Darius, or "Dary Queen" as derisive teens called him, got spooked and ran away to Nebraska after his personal driver Karlissius-one of the first cutters and runners-bolted from the battlefield with the King's stretch chariot. It was later discovered that Karlissius had ratted out one of the of the King's least conspicuous spies-many of the operatives insisted on wearing bowler hats-to Alexander for a pair of slingback pumps and a tuna sandwich. The subsequent loss of good intelligence caused the King to completely forget about Alexander's advancing forces, even though his army had been marching for about a year, and AG kept forwarding profane and threatening postcards to Darius announcing his eventual arrival.

Bonus city-some of the buried shells were on the Iranian side of the border-a clear violation of some Bush Doctrine-so there's nothing more to discuss with that Ahmadinejad nut. Mahmoud can have all of the nuclear reactors he wants-if he can find a level parcel of land to build on-after the president peppers the country with Daisy Cutters, Lilly Whackers and a couple Graham Cracker Crunches. Civilian casualties will be enormous, and American troops will encounter up to 35 million Iranian men and women available for military service-but they have WMD on their property, possibly with some familiar fingerprints on the casings, and rules are rules. Financing for this war will extend out another 17 generations, and require the sale of Wyoming and half of Congress...somebody already holds the title on the other half.
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Ron Schalow from Fargo, North Dakota is the author of "Bullshit Artist - The 9/11 Leadership Myth" a book about George W. Bush and his pathetic performance on September 11.
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