I come before you tonight to tell you that the State of our Union is getting stronger. Now maybe it's not the pink picture of health we would all like it to be, but the cancer on the economy is now less malignant than it was when I inherited it three long years ago. More about that in just a moment.
IRAQ--A PROMISE FULFILLED
But first, in case you didn't get the memo, we have pulled out of Iraq quicker than a college kid after he discovers that his girlfriend is under 18. I'm not criticizing our troops or their valiant efforts in Iraq (even though we never did find those vaunted "weapons of mass destruction" that my predecessor was obsessed with when he first invaded unilaterally). No, I would never do that with a Republican majority in the House, especially since I read the tea leaves after the Fall 2010 election. No sirree, Iraq was a noble cause, just like our mutual hero Ronald Reagan once said about Vietnam. I mean, c'mon, don't you all feel a whole lot safer now that Saddam Hussein is no longer keeping a lid on the Kurds, Sunnis, and Shiites? I know I am.
But hey! Iraq is now an ancient memory, just another campaign promise now fulfilled, even if some of you wanted out a long time ago. Just like those 800-thousand Christians who left the fertile crescent in a massive diaspora after we bombed the bejesus out of Baghdad on March 19, 2003. And all those American soldiers in Iraq? Gone, baby, gone. Of course, we still have our diplomats over there, not to mention the PMCs, the Private Military Contractors, and all those good folks serving Big Macs in those permanent bases in the Green Zone and at Abu Ghraib. They're not fighting, though--just helping out Nouri al-Maliki to keep the peace and keep that black gold flowing to gas tanks back home in the good ol' U. S. of A.
AFGHANISTAN--A PROMISE DEFERRED
Which begs the question: When are we going to pull out of Afghanistan? Good question. Oh, we're gonna do it alright, but after the election, right? First things first. And the same thing goes for Iran. We need the Jewish vote, y'all, so I'm gonna keep on talking smack about Ahmadinejad at least until Thanksgiving.
OSAMA BIN LADEN STILL DEAD--YOU'RE WELCOME
And you know what? You remember Osama Bin Laden? We killed him. That's right. Double-tapped him with a couple of full metal jackets through the forehead and his twisted black heart. He porked out a bit towards the end, watching himself on the tube, eating way too much Pakistani Pizza Hut for a diabetic. Oh, I know some of you say OBL hasn't really been a threat since he shuffled off this mortal coil way back in December 2001. Even President Bush said he didn't really give him much thought, didn't worry about him too much, not terribly concerned on the golf course.
But the official Navy Seal death portrait was taken on my watch. Actually, you didn't get to see that photo op because we had to clean him up and dunk him in uncharted waters within a few hours after we offed him so's there wouldn't be a memorial to him"or any pictures that might inflame Islamic passions or provide grist for conspiracy theorists on both the left and right. We got him, OK? Trust me on this one--you have my word. No need for corroborating evidence.
So where were we? Oh yeah, State of the Union. Lessee, getting stronger, on the mend, nothing to worry about, taking its Flintstones vitamins, drinking its Ovaltine, about to give up smoking those inflatable mortgages.
AN ECONOMY BUILT TO LAST
Yeah, now I remember. America is an economy that's "Built To Last (TM)" ," just like that last album by the Grateful Dead right before Jerry kicked. America--where hard work pays off and selfish profiteering is rewarded with tax cuts and offshore shelters.
You know, my grandfather was in Patton's army. Didn't know that, didja? And when Patton was chewing him out with cuss words that would get me slapped with an FCC fine bigger than Janet Jackson's nipple slip, nobody cared if my grandfather was red, white, blue, black, yellow, Meskin, or queer. (Well, maybe they would have cared if he was Japanese; probably woulda thrown him in a gulag out in the California desert"and come to think of it, they mighta beat him to a bloody pulp back before I got rid of Don't Ask Don't Tell") But as it turns out, this particular grandfather was straight and white in this case. I'm just chock full o' surprises tonight, hoo boy, I tell you!
Where was I going with this? Oh, right--we're all in this together.
The middle class is right between the poor class and the wealthy rich elite class. Or at least it used ta be, but now it's hard to keep that promise alive, just like it's hard to keep Hope alive, right Jesse? You know, this country lost four-million jobs before I came into office, so you can't pin that one on me. And we lost another four-million jobs before my policies went into effect, so I'm not taking the rap for those pink slips neither. So you got at least eight-million jobs down the toilet that we can lay squarely at the feet of Mr. Bush. But since you put a black man in the White House, we have created three-million jobs, the most jobs created since 2005. You do the math. Unless you graduated from an American high school, of course.
Now Lord knows I have tried to work with this recalcitrant Congress, but it ain't easy. And I'm just talking about the Senate Democrats. Those crazy teabaggers who signed the no tax pledge over there in the House, well, that's a whole "nother story. We got into a fight last summer over whether or not this nation under God was gonna pay its debts or not. No kidding! And we finally said, OK, we'll work out a payment plan with China, but in order to get those Republicans to agree to pay what we owe, they held a gun to my head and forced us to agree to cut the deficit by $2-trillion dollars! That's a lot of simoleons, and a lot of fired teachers and folks who won't get unemployment checks. Those guys don't play nice, I'm tellin' ya, and they just simply don't want me to accomplish anything, even when I have bent over backwards to try and be bipartisan.