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RNC Convention: Barbie Shoots a Moose. Barbie Goes To Washington.

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How will these people win the Vice-Presidency? Apparently by smearing Saccharine and Aspartame on us in great cloying gobs until we subside into shock and delirium. Listening to the speakers at the RNC was deeply disturbing the way a serious lack of oxygen in the room is disturbing. A wholly distinct world-view emerged that resembles nothing so much as the one you might imagine after watching a few hours of Barbie (tm) commercials. You remember those themed accessories? Barbie Goes To The Beach. Ski Barbie. Nascar Barbie. Barbie Shoots a Moose. Barbie Goes To Washington.

I said "Vice-Presidency" because the President has become but a titular head; the office of Emp - sorry - Vice President, which everyone knows has really been the seat of power for the last eight years, is now seen to be the real prize. McCain, his voice breathy with sincerity, is obviously besotted with his choice of running mate, who clearly has him, along with the entire Republican "Base," wrapped around her icy trigger finger. His wife has now blessed this union. So McCain's survival is no longer an issue: either way we're gonna elect a she-grizzly-bear and clean house in corrupt old insider-bloated Washington!

So the Palin-Biden battle lines are drawn. America must now decide: which one will order his or her Commander-in-Chief to grab Our Enemies by the throat and smite them? A question that may obscure real issues all the way to Election Day. And then, the last guy, that lonely "swing" voter, will decide how best to extricate ourselves from the corner Cheney and Bush have painted us into; or which color paint will best make us blend into the floor whilst they continue slapping a coat of high gloss on the rest of the world. And they're still painting. Cheney's over there preaching sanctimoniously at Russia about "unprovoked aggression" as I write, as if he had some serious consequences in his pocket we don't know about yet. Actually we do: the largest armada in world history is now poised to blow Iran to smithereens at Cheney's whim. So don't mess with the big guy.

For three days the RNC has treated us to the spectacle of insanely rich people describing how awful it must be to be poor, and how this is all they ever think about in their wounded compassionate souls. Mrs. McCain described this in painful detail. One would think she had been in the Peace Corps for most of her life, so intimate is her knowledge of world suffering. She followed the parade of - well, those sycophants, swindlers, hucksters and crackpots mentioned above - who extolled McCain's saintly virtues, and his possible lineal descent from the Almighty Himself, and his miraculous transformation to a selfless long-suffering hero standing alone against all the forces of Evil, between stickily sweet videos about what Boyscouts (and Girlscouts!) we all, as Americans, ultimately must aspire to be (just as soon as we make our FY money.)

Now it can be told: all the ills of our time - endless war, imminent financial collapse, infrastructure decay, Failed Schools full of Bad Teachers, and particularly the heartrending travails of Brave Single Moms - have come into our lives because of the Democrats, who always manage to spoil everything somehow. John McCain is a true-blue, well, red Crusader against the DeLay and Dolittle set, those Special Interest Lobbyists, and he's never, ever! been one of those "insiders" in Washington, and has struggled almost single-handed to fight and fight the good fight for all us and our Moms. In an apparent heat-of-the-moment paroxysm of mendacity, both Palin and McCain named "Big Oil Companies" among his, and Palin's, vanquished and shamefaced foes.

We are now to understand that Community Organizers must be some kind of loser door-to-door new-age crystal-worship salesmen. We are now to understand that in America anybody, even minority kids, can grow up to become President of the Harvard Law Review and get elected to the Senate, and be well-spoken and inspiring in a flashy suit and raise unheard-of millions in contributions of nickels and dimes, and yes, even make History; but this is hardly close to the necessary administrative experience that could prepare a person for the Presidency. You have to be at least a Mayor first, according to Rudy Giuliani, who should know.

We are now to understand that Republicans are the party that invented the Civil Rights Movement, the Feminist Movement, and won all the World Wars. The economy, it was mentioned in passing, is in crisis only because of High Oil Prices. Who knew? But we'll soon drill and pipeline our way out of that one cause Alaska has joined America and has all we'll ever need. And Democrats, those hated Liberals, the party of "Big Brother," want to have Union Bosses regulate who can work, and when you may go to the doctor, and which one; where you may go to school, and with who else's offspring; and what un-Christian ideas you must force your kid to learn in school. And they want to tax you and tax you and tax you for the privilege. Oh, and take your job and give it to an illegal immigrant.

In Barbie-World, the Republican Party has not been in charge of anything for the last eight years! Nope. The Republican Party has spent this time fighting tooth and nail against Bridges to Nowhere and Moslem Extremism and anti-Christian values in our schools, and has rooted out corruption wherever it dared to show its ugly head, even in our bedrooms. The Republicans have stood up for Single Moms, solving the problems of the Third World by personally adopting their orphans. And they know that the richest people should be in charge, because they have proven their ability to run things and know what's best for those of us who only attended Failed Schools with Bad Teachers. And Americans are the Most Generous People on Earth. And War is Peace.


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I'm an old Pogo fan. For some unknown reason I persist in outrage at Feudalism, as if human beings can do much better than this. Our old ways of life are obsolete and are killing us. Will the human race wake up in time? Stay tuned...
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RNC Convention: Barbie Shoots a Moose. Barbie Goes To Washington.

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