Imagine you are a longtime Republican Party activist just returning to the United States after a year-long vacation abroad. At home you turn on your computer and go to the Drudge Report and see that the Democrats somehow managed to change the constitution and nominated Fidel Castro for President. First, you'd rub your eyes to make sure you hadn't misread. Second, you'd jump up and down with glee, as visions of 50 state victory romps dance in your head.
This is how I feel at the prospect of Newt being the GOP nominee in 2012. If you could take every sin, hypocrisy, and evil put out by conservatives during the last 35 years, then add a layer of caricature, a pinch of hyperbole and then finally wrap it in a thick layer of bacon-flavored cookie dough before deep frying it, you would come up with a Newt Gingrich, even if he didn't already exist.
As an embodiment of everything wrong with Conservatism, Newt is stunningly perfect. That is why I am urging all Democrats and independents in Iowa, New Hampshire and early primary states to quickly register as Republicans so we can "help" the GOP nominate a candidate of historic proportion.
Consider Newt's Hall of Fame credentials:
1. Attacks Washington Lobbyists and proclaims Barney Frank should go to jail for taking Fannie and Freddie contributions. Meanwhile, Gingrich takes $1.8 million for lobbying on behalf of Fannie/ Freddie.
2. Attacks Washington Pork. Yet Gingrich's district received more pork than all but one congressional district according to the Washington Monthly.
3. Attacks liberal morality and defends marriage. And yet it has been well-documented that Newt has cheated numerous, numerous times on numerous wives, and this includes having other people's wives giving him oral sex in cars as his own children walked by.
4. Attacks corrupt Washington where politicians get rich feeding off the system. Yet, Newt came to Washington 35 years ago completely broke and now has an 8-figure net worth. And no, he didn't invent the Internet either.
5. Attacks corrupt Leadership in DC. Gingrich spent years attacking Speaker Jim Wright and finally had him removed for taking roughly $1500 in a questionable book deal. What was Newt's first action before being sworn in as the replacement speaker? Striking a $1.5 million questionable book deal for himself.
6. Attacks Democrats for being weak on defense and anti-military. And, of course, Newt was a draft dodger.
7. Attacks limousine liberals for being out of touch with the economic realities facing the middle class. And yet runs up his $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany's.
8. Tells whoppers of epic proportion. Newt claimed that Susan Smith killed her kids because "liberal Democrats had controlled congress for 40 years." And of course, who can forget Newt's explanation for having an affair with a young aide while impeaching the President of the United States for having an affair with a young aid? Newt did it because he was working too hard because he loved his country so much.
9. All of the above might be softened a bit if Gingrich were charming, charismatic and likeable, a la Ronald Reagan. Fortunately, Newt has the sort of detestable personality that alienates even those who agree with him. Newt has a way of implying he is the only smart person in the room and that everyone else is a complete idiot.
10. Is Newt at least rakishly good-looking or attractive? No, other than having a helmet head full of hair he is utterly repulsive in every physical way. Especially his obesity which seems to be growing at a daily 10 pound clip.
Simply put, short of The GOP bringing back to life and nominating serial murderer/cannibal/sex offender Jeffrey Dahmer, Democrats, liberals and progressives are never ever going to have a fatter target than Newt Gingrich, literally or figuratively. We must do everything in our power to help him get nominated in 2012.
If Gingrich can be destroyed in a landslide in the 2012 general election, it could set back the conservative movement for a generation. If young people, independents and the non-aligned can be trained to associate conservative policies and candidates with the venal, hypocritical and corrupt Newt Gingrich, Progressive candidates will start out with an edge in every campaign.