I love Donald Trump. And I'm not just talking about his money. Just look at his hair. And that smile. Wow! And he dresses real good, too. And look at the way he forms his mouth into a circular shape when he says certain words. It's just so..... Anyway, I'm voting for him. And I hope you will, too. If anyone can save America, he can.
When I say this to those who know me, they think I'm kidding. And when I tell them I'm not kidding, they think I've gone off the deep end. But the truth is that I've finally seen the light. I guess you could say that I've been born again. I've had a conservative Christian epiphany and suddenly everything is clear:
--What's good for the corporations is good for everyone.
--The wealthy are our natural rulers and we should trust them.
--Abortion? Yes, abortion really is murder, and abortion providers really do deserve to die. I see that now. And if I could only get up the nerve, I might just go out and kill me one myself. And that 13 year old girl who was raped by her father, and is pregnant with her father's baby? Of course, she should carry that fetus full term. I see the wisdom in that now.
--Human-caused global warming? Yes, it really is a hoax. I can't believe that I trusted the consensus of many thousands of scientists, when Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Sarah "Drill Baby Drill" Palin, and James Imhoff knew the truth all along. God bless them.
--And all that oil in the Middle East? You can't steal what already belongs to you. America has a natural right to all the earth's resources, and if we have to go halfway around the world and kill a few million people to get what is rightfully ours, then so be it. It's hard to believe how blind I was.
--And, of course, those who serve in the military really are the best of every generation -- the cream of the crop -- and should be showered with praise for having the kind of brain that allows them to unquestioningly kill anyone who has something we want. Now I know what real patriotism is.
--And those damn Muslims. All Muslims might not be terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims. Muslims are the enemy, and all of them are suspect. Those over at Fox News have been telling me this for years, but I just wouldn't listen. I was blinded by my compassion. I detested all the hateful Muslim bashing. But, now that I can see, I'm so ashamed for not having trusted them -- especially Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck. I owe them a debt of gratitude, and I'll never doubt them again.
--And to think I once detested all those Christian forwarding emails that ask us to hate our Muslim-American neighbors in the name of Jesus, and to forward that hate along as far and as wide as possible as an expression of Christian charity. Forgive me, but I deleted them all, despite the warnings that to do so was tantamount to deleting God from my life. How could I have been so blind so as not to see that the values these foreign interlopers hold are not true American values, and that their god is a false god? Now that my eyes have been opened to what it really means to be an American and to know the one true God, it's all so obvious. The mere presence of these spiritually challenged, counterfeit Americans on American soil is an affront to everything we hold dear. Islam is not a religion, it's an ideology of hate and death. Allah is the devil, and the one true God is an American. I understand that now.
--And, yes, when I think of how I participated in the persecution of those poor misunderstood Christians who want nothing more than to share their wisdom with us, it sickens me. Of course the universe is 6,000 years old. Of course God created the universe in six days. The theory of evolution is a godless farce, and the Bible's book of Genesis is a legitimate scientific theory of origins that should be taught in the science classroom. How could I have ever let myself get so brainwashed so as to think otherwise? We mustn't let this happen to our children. We mustn't let our children's minds be corrupted by those damn scientists any longer -- always getting in the way of the truth and leading everyone astray. Don't they know that if it's not in the Bible, it's not worth knowing. God wrote that book himself for God's sake, so of course every word in it is literally true. How could I have missed that?
--And, yes, let's put God back in government, and back in the schools -- a crucifix on every government building and every school house, and public prayer in the classrooms. I used to think that politicians were just exploiting the religious to advance their morally bankrupt agendas. I used to think that such ostentatious displays of religiosity were a clear indication of having entirely missed the point. I used to think that God was an all-pervasive, ever-present reality. But I couldn't have been more wrong. Now that I've seen the light I understand that worshipful public displays are really what holiness is all about, and that where we find God is wholly dependent upon where congress decides to allow his presence. So, by all means, yes, let's put God back in the schools. He's been missing there for far too long, and our country has suffered dearly for it. Ever since God was taken out of the schools everything has gone to hell. But now that I've seen the light, rest assured that I, for one, will be working tirelessly to return our country to its idyllic Christian roots -- you know, the "good ole days," when as good Christians we were killing all those savage injuns, while cracking the whip over the backs of ungrateful negro slaves, and keeping women in their place. Now that I've seen the light, I can see how far we've strayed from all that.
-- But, not to worry, I have it on good authority that everything is going to be okay. Christianity's most beloved and highly revered leaders who boast of a direct line to the Almighty assure us that we are headed for a Christian paradise. And if my recent epiphany has taught me anything, it has taught me to trust in these most humble and holy servants of the Lord. They bring glad tidings. General Jesus is going to return to insure that all the billions of non-Christians who refuse to convert meet deaths more horrible than anyone can imagine. Jesus' apocalyptic return is going to make the much-feared Islamist Jihad everyone is so worried about look like a walk in the park. But it's all good. Those aforementioned humble and holy servants have it direct from the Creator of the Universe himself that anyone who holds religious beliefs that differ from their own deserves to die, and that the world will be better off without them. I can see that now.
So I've seen the truth. And I don't think there's any way of saying how grateful I am for the newfound wisdom of this eye-opening epiphany that's been granted me. Precisely what all this newfound wisdom has to do with throwing my unwavering support behind Donald Trump for president is not exactly clear at the moment. What is clear is that, for whatever reason, I find Donald Trump at the center of this revelation -- so real.... so sincere.... so well dressed. Our next president. God bless Donald Trump. And God bless America. Even if it means raping, pillaging, and plundering the rest of the planet. After all, we are the Chosen Ones. How could I have been so blind to have missed that? That's why we need Donald Trump. He doesn't miss a thing.