We are from the government. We have decided not to show you the 2000 pictures that we promised to reveal a short time ago. And now some mean and pesky people insist in causing trouble by asking why.
Hey, would your government misrepresent, cover-up? We're not your Republicans anymore! There are just some things we will not reveal because they are unnecessary and may interfere with our dedication to protect you.
And anyway, there's the possibility -- however remote -- that a few of the batch could be considered a tad nasty by, well, you know, the morbidly over-sensitive, and perhaps you yourselves just would not enjoy the unpleasantness -- not, mind you, that there is any!
Now this from various sources:
"We don't have anything that would comport to what they are reporting," a government official stated. The official did not address whether any such images had ever existed.
President Obama's own explanation is that the pictures add little to the torture debate. "I want to emphasize that these photos that were requested in this case are not particularly sensational, especially when compared to the painful images that we remember from Abu Ghraib." And "This is not a situation in which the Pentagon has concealed or sought to justify inappropriate action."
More from the government: "Some of those 2,000 images, including those generated by investigators, come from cases in which the military determined that abuse had not, in fact, occurred."
"You have to ask what is their purpose for being so adamant about the photos, since we have already provided the information to them -- minus the photographs," the government finally adds.
Now that you've been advised that these photos don't actually reveal anything that you really need to know, it's difficult for us in your government to appreciate why some radical provocateurs insist upon their release to the troublesome public. One wag even had the audacity to suggest that we could simply rate the pics PG and cut them loose!
You need to be reassured that your government cares, and that we would never simply dismiss this issue because it's unpleasant for us to deal with, or that certain of our best operatives or peerless leaders could be unjustly confronted by the justice system, or that there is concern here of a adverse reaction by the mainstream of public opinion.
In fact, we plan to discuss the release of the photos further with our nice colleagues at the CIA, and -- if you insist -- we'll get back to you with what we've decided.
Always on the front lines of protecting your best interests and the American Way! -- Your Very Own Government