Donald Trump will not be unseated from the position he now occupies unless he can keep what he perceives to be his dignity intact. I've found a way for him to save face. So I took the liberty of ghostwriting his resignation speech for him. Here it is:
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.
Trump: Thank you...thank you...thank you...
Audience: (Applause stops)
Trump: Thank you...thank you...thank you very much.
Trump: Is there a little protester? Well get him the hell out? I'd like to knock him the hell out!
Audience: (Cheering and applauding).
Trump: (Continues speaking).
I called you all here tonight to hear a big announcement. It's going to be fantastic, really the most fantastic announcement you've ever -- it's going to grab you by the -- now, when I say grab, I mean snatch, and if you've ever, you'll know -- so it's going to be big.
Now, you know that I've already announced my re-election campaign, which is early, I know it's early, most presidents don't announce until, they do it, but they don't tell you until much -- and that's very, very dishonest. Terrible. So I've had my announcement, so people -- Republicans, they love me -- can donate without having to wait until a later -- you know, it's terrific.
And I wanted to take this straight to the people, my people, even though my enemies, they'll probably hear it, too, and the media -- you're an enemy, and you're trying to make more people into my enemies, but they're not going to fall for it -- before somebody leaks it, because there are so, so many leaks, so many leakers, it's criminal, really it is. So I came here myself to give it to you before it turns into fake news, such a shame. They should be ashamed of themselves.
Now some presidents, most of them really, all the presidents who served one term or two, or who served even more terms, which is criminal, really criminal, and President Obama would have done that if -- well, nobody would have stood for that, but Hillary, she was just as bad, and that's why they say "lock her up", but I wouldn't ever say that. Never said that. Never. These presidents, they had to serve one term, two terms, just to get anything done. None of them did as much as we've been able to do in just a few short weeks, tremendous, what we've done, can you believe it? No one can believe it, they really can't, because we've had the executive orders, brilliant, if I do say so myself.
And the confirmations, those have been slow, so slow, because Congress, the Democrats, they can't do anything, can't do anything right, these are great men, except the women, they're great, too, don't get me wrong, and they just can't confirm them as fast as -- my cabinet appointments have been the very best in history, but they can't get them in here fast enough. Even without that, and with everyone against me -- you know how they are, whatever I do, on the news, CNN, whatever, they say the opposite, unless it's bad, well, you know, if I did something bad, which I never would. Nobody is as un-anti-Semitic toward the Jews and nobody is less racist than me. Truly.