My announcement is, and this could only come because I'm the best, truly the best president this country has ever had, except for maybe Andrew Jackson, because he, and some day maybe Frederick Douglass, if President Obama didn't ruin it for inner city presidents, because he was just a disaster. That Obamacare. Disaster. So bad. Bad, I tell you.
And so, my announcement is, I've already been able to do what other presidents have taken four, eight, some of them even up to 20 years to do (the history books don't tell you that, but three presidents have served 20 years or more, that's six or seven terms, disgraceful) I've already been able to accomplish that in just a few weeks. So why should I take longer? I've already done what I told you I'd do, more in some cases, and so, I'm done, I'm truly done.
And to be perfectly honest, when I saw the terrible ratings -- just terrible -- that my show is getting without me, everybody knows it's my show, I can see -- Arnold, I hope you're watching, because you're fired! See? I'm a better Terminator than you, too. I'm really needed there. America, you understand that, right? I know you do, because sometimes you're needed in more than one place at a time, and you can't be in more than one place, can you? Unless you're an immigrant, and you're trying to be in one place when really you should be in that other place, so sad.
I'm not saying that Arnold is an immigrant, because he is, but my wall was too late for him, even though it's already built, it's being built now, and it's already achieved, and The Muslims are not going to be able to cross over from Mexico any more, but Arnold, you can still get out, because there's a door, and it only opens one way. One. Way.
I'm going to be returning to Celebrity Apprentice, and our ratings will be just fantastic, even better than before, if you can believe it, because now we'll have the only president who ever got so much done in his first few weeks in office -- even going to Mar-a-Lago on the weekends -- and didn't have to drag it out for four years.
So you might say I'm stepping down, but really I'm stepping up, back up into the entertainment world, out of this swamp they call -- truly it is, and to be perfectly honest, it's a mess. A. Mess. The White House, such a mess. It's hardly even white. That's why Melania didn't want to take a step down to live here.
So, that's it. You can call me the Express President, just wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. I'm done. Just like that.
The Press: (Screaming wildly and raising their hands to ask questions).
Trump: No questions. No questions...you are all a bunch of liars. We know you don't ask me nice questions, even when you say you're going to, so no questions. Good night.
Trump: (Mingles with audience and autographs "Make America Great Again" hats.)
Cameraman: (Switches back to Fox & Friends where a panel of the usual expert guests will analyze Trump's speech).
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