I received a package the other day with no return address. It contained a single thumb drive. There was a hand-written note with it that simply said, "Good luck!" and was signed "Emmet." When I plugged this memory stick into my USB port, I discovered that while the stick itself had a capacity of 2 million terabytes, it contained only one small audio file. What follows is the transcript of that file...
Good Morning, the time is 06:30 on the continent. Today is September 11th in the year of Christ 3001 and the temperature in AmeriCanaMex is a tolerable 70-degrees Beck. Be sure to wear your Heat Reflector brand sun suits by Halliburton, and carry extra SPF One Trillion brand sunscreen by Monsanto, both available at Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart, the only store in town, conveniently located on every block. Those of you commuting to work are highly encouraged to coat your oars well with Monsanto Anti-Acidic Spray, and remember, no swimming. Halliburton and Monsanto, divisions of Goldman Sachs Federal. Goldman Sachs Federal - Your only source, your only solution.
This public information service is generously provided by Murdochian News, your only news provider.
Murdochian News: We Speak - You Listen, We Write - You Read. We Transmit - You Receive. On-Air, Online, In Your Head, Murdochian News is always there. Murdochian News, in partnership with and endorsed by Goldman Sachs Federal.
Goldman Sachs Federal: We took the government out of government to serve you!
Breaking News This Hour... brought to you by Reverend Rick "The Roundhouse" Rasputin, former World Champion Kickboxer, Famous Author, Journalist, Preacher and Murdochian News Anchor:
LISTEN UP PEOPLE. On this solemn anniversary of 9/11, Osama bin Laden released another tape threatening death and destruction on all that is Holy and good. I JUST WANT 5 MINUTES WITH THIS GUY. I don't care if he's a hundred and forty eight years old, I WILL KICK HIS ASS! When our founders signed the Declaration of Freedom and formed AmeriCanaMex it was due to the despotism and tyranny of THIS TERRORIST. I WILL TEAR OFF HIS HEAD AND STUFF BACON DOWN HIS PENCIL NECK. I WILL BEAT HIM UNTIL HIS a**hole IS SUCKING BUTTERMILK. I WILL RIP HIS BALLS OFF SO HE CANNOT CONTAMINATE THE REST OF THE WORLD. I WILL SHUT HIS BABA GHANOUSH HOLE IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!
In other news, AmeriCanaMex CEO Dick Cheney received a second cyber-eye to replace his last remaining failed body part. He is now reported to be undergoing an oil change and resting comfortably in his suite at the George W. Bush Empire Hospital in Dubai. He will be released in time to attend the execution of a Terrorist convicted and sentenced to death under the Respect for Rulers Act for standing on a public sidewalk and shouting something about Mr. Cheney "not being human even when he had all his human parts." A PUBLIC SIDEWALK, PEOPLE, DO THESE CRIMINAL TERRORISTS HAVE NO RESPECT?! Where do these people get off thinking they can criticize our leaders at all, much less vocally and in public - and during time of war?! Someone check this guy's neural receptor and while we're at it CHECK YOUR OWN, YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE. Unauthorized speaking in public has never been tolerated before in the history of the world, what makes this Terrorist think he can get away with it now? I WISH THEY'D LET ME KILL THIS TERRORIST, I'D MAKE IT SLOW, PAINFUL AND ENTERTAINING. But, as we all know, we are a compassionate society and follow the word of Christ. The public execution, by genital-implanted, plastic-explosive-filled RFID chip is scheduled for prime time Bushday and as always will be presented live on Murdochian News. Bushday night executions will be repeated, as always, the following Reaganday morning with updated execution lists published by noon every Nixonday. As a friendly reminder, if your name appears on the list you have ten minutes to settle your affairs, say your goodbye's and turn yourself in or face added and very severe apprehension penalties.
Stay tuned for more Breaking News in an hour and until then continue monitoring today's Truth through your neural receptor. Thought 37 of today's Truth is the key thought. Successfully reciting Thought 37 will get you one dinner voucher. You will receive an additional bonus of two clean-water credits, generously provided by Monsanto Water, if you successfully recite today's Truth, Bonus Thought, Thought 42.
Until then, remember: Labor is Life! Contentment is Patriotism! Obedience is Law!NOW GET TO WORK OR I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!