Five years had gone by when my friend Binita left her parents' home. It's not an ordinary event that she was coming back to her home after five years, but yet she hasn't felt any pride in her return home; she had no pleasant feeling at all. In fact, she didn't have any desire to go to her relatives either.
Her house was swept away by a landslide when she was quite young. Then her parents had constructed a small house. She still remembered that too has now become history.
Even when her parents had constructed the house, they had struggled very hard and suffered a lot financially. At that time she was a young age and naturally when she had the opportunity to move to a new house she was happy. She too had thought that the present condition couldn't afford her to move to a new house. But whatever may be the situation, their small house was leaking all the time. It could be in that way that changed into a new house and to get that opportunity was very good. This was their united thought.
After Binita was married for two years, she was busy all the time working. One day, she came home and tried to enter her room without making any noise but as soon as she entered the room she was all of a sudden greatly startled. She was almost terrified when she saw her so-called husband with another woman. Binita felt shame. In fact, she thought of the betrayal towards herself. After that she never took the incident as natural anymore.
She used to go out for her job early in the morning having her meal and come back only in the evening. But, she had no love or attachment towards her home, or to her husband. She wanted to distance herself fully from everybody at home. Her attachment for home and the satisfaction she derived out of the attachment as she had earlier was now almost finished. The doubtful character of her husband towards herself upset her life. As a result the incident had built up an unseen and huge wall between them.
She never felt like speaking to her husband. Therefore, she tried to distance herself always from him. Her husband used to be drunk. On the other hand, she began to grow up with the time. Let's say, she had the practice of living according to circumstances. But in the name of living, she couldn't feel herself free.
For her, the dark sky within her mind and the unsafe sky outside in fact were both one and the same. Time passed on and with it her hatred towards her house and husband grew. She even felt hatred towards her meals. Therefore, she didn't say anything or express her complaint to anybody regards her agony, and the betrayal to herself. She said nothing to anyone about it at all.
She heard from many people, that her so called husband was of immoral character. But she had not been able to stop her husband by expressing this true fact in front of her life. Sometimes she suffered from such a feeling but she was forced to remain silent. She cooled down while thinking how and with what courage and words should she say it all.
She remembered, how she got married with this man. One Saturday she had gone to the market with her mother, who had insisted on it, and besides she obediently fulfilled formally everything her mother asked her to do. She didn't like to speak a word with her mother all along the way. At that moment they came across the village-head in the road. One man stared at her intently. She didn't know up to that age in her life anybody staring at her so intensely.
She was extremely angry with him but she didn't express anything. She felt quite helpless. It was her mother's character that made her so helpless and, therefore, she could not show any reaction toward that man's stare that way. She was very irritated with her mother. She suspected that in fact on that day there was an exchange of sharp words between her mother and the man.
"If you agree to what I propose, I will give everything grown on the upper flat part of the land." She had heard the loud voice of the man very clearly. The man at that time showed on his face excessive greed. His eyes contained only hunger, sexual hunger that could change the purity of emotion, and an earthquake rose within her. She couldn't take up in a simple way all these events. Without waiting for her mother who was busy talking to the man she returned home straight away from halfway. At that time her father was already home from his farming work. She cried for a long time that day. She cried thinking she had no authority except crying. In front of her simple-minded father, she could not complain against her mother's decision.
She went on crying when her father asked her 'why?'
The man came to their house the next day. On that day also there was a secret quarrel between her mother and the man. She well understood that the man was demanding to get married to her. There was a great crash of thunderbolt in their life. Unexpectedly a big incident befell them that neither she nor her father had thought of in their remotest imagination. She wanted to commit suicide.
Anyway, a tragic chapter came to an end, and she married that man and the height of love convert into hatred. She became wounded toward life. The man had made his selfish way to their poverty and helplessness. In the meantime, a gold ring was seen in the hand of the man one day. She began to feel insecure at the gold ring she saw. In many situations women not able to restrain themselves. To her, the visits like that of the man was unbearable. One day when the man said to her, "young one, do listen to me. I am prepared to marry you. If you marry me, you will get to wear nice dresses and eat good food. You will have no trouble financially."
The man had told her this in one breath and at that moment he was almost in a condition of attacking her. The behavior of the man was for her unimaginable and quite unexpected. Immediately she spoke in a little terrified voice, "I know! Everything about you just wait. You know you are trying to get me." She almost screamed. He said, "if you go right now and tell your father and mother, there will be no change in the situation. It was your parents who told me to get married to you."
At this point, Binita was nonplussed. Whatever faith she had, turned into water. She had nothing but great hatred toward herself, her father, and all other relatives like the husband. She found herself insecure in her own nest. And all around her when she found that she was unsafe she finally without any target, without any aim, left her home.
But she couldn't find an expected environment even outside her house. Binita understood that like at home even outside there were unsafe situations and wants. After coming out of her home, her so-called brothers and friends in the name of giving security and protection raped her. Because she found herself poor, helpless and unsafe, she didn't want to return home.
Although she was suffering and full of fear with herself she was frightened with death and she was forced to dream and leaving home, she went away to an unknown city. There too in the pretext of providing her with a job, her youthful body was greatly exploited sexually. She was cheated not only by people but by time very cruelly. Inadequate food and the close association of various men produced in her innumerable problems and diseases. As a result, she gradually began to be hated and insulted.
At the present time she has once again returned to her own parents' home in the name of being rescued with her pained soul and tired body. But she hasn't felt joy in her return to the home. She has felt only the satisfaction that she has stopped being afraid of death like before and for dying. She has the pride that she has now come back to her parents' house but still she hasn't been able to get the expected warmth of feeling.
She has now fully realized what the eternal truth of life is.
Journalist, poet and editor Kamala Sarup specializes in reporting news and writing stories covering Freedom, Peace, Public health, Democracy, Women/Children, development, justice and advocacy from her location inside the United States. Human (more...)