Have you heard the good news? America is no longer in the midst of a spiritual awakening and moral renewal. Predictability is out the window, and surrealism reigns supreme. These days, would-be politicians have nothing to fear because erratic behavior and a pattern of lying simply do not matter anymore. Candidates utter misinformation so amazingly effortlessly that it is hard to detect whether it is Karl Rove's, Rahm Emanuel's or Sal Russo's hand up their backs. These traits are just incidental bonuses that will enhance the relationship the new crop of political sock puppets will have with their constituents.
Evidently, Americans have lost their grasp on reality and become enchanted by the spores of public secrets wafting from some peculiar resumes. At this point we can peel back the skin on almost any political candidate's life and find nothing but moldy strangeness. No longer content with a brigade of bodybuilders and actors, Americans finally have a hankering for diversity and are getting it in spades. Oh the choices! We have the stalker, the Medicaid thief and the fired investment banker. Richard Blumenthal is a ghost vet from Vietnam. The Floridian is sharing his rival's social security number. True, we lost Tim D'Annunzio to a hail of imaginary bullets but we can find good cheer in wicked Carl Paladino whose wacky humor is limited to obscenities and racial epithets. For the Scrooge in us, Rangle's little grinchy-heart is hoarding rent stabilized apartments that his own district probably needs. William Jennings Bryan would be proud to claim Christine O'Donnell as his own if she got off on something other than witchcraft and campaign donations. And nothing is more inspiring than watching Palin zig-zag across the country giving motivational messages from her palm cheat sheet scribbles. Sure, she wants to meet her political heroine Margaret Thatcher now, probably because like Americans this year, Ms. Thatcher is suffering from dementia.
These attention whores are noisemakers emitting a constant stream of mindless prattle and nattering designed to confuse us all. Not one of their policy positions make any sense but the rabble is buying in. They are drinking the kool-aid, sipping the tea or smoking the medicinal weed. Wondering how low can we go? The answer is subterranean. Maybe these folks really do represent us. Maybe we all are a bunch of bigots and cretins. Bwa-haa-haa, go 'Cuda.
But we, The Horde, as concerned American citizens, are forced to inject a more wholesome force for change into the news. We decided that we would rather stop griping and start doing, so we took the red pill and got out of the Matrix. Then we banded together to give you a candidate that you can truly rally around with pride: someone who wants to bail you out of the current quagmire and fulfill the dreams of every American.
Let us introduce you to W. T. Sock.
W.T. Sock comes to you clean and fresh without the taint of other political agendas. Sock has a clear and positive plan to make America safer. Unlike the candidates mentioned above, W. T. Sock carries no negative baggage or criminal charges. Sock is assimilated. Sock can be made of whatever we want but at this time is 100% American cotton. We can shape Sock. Whatever we put into the Sock will stay in the Sock. When it hits the proverbial fan and splatters, Sock can be white-washed if needed. We can rebuild Sock if necessary. We have the technology.
Pick Sock. Sock is gender neutral. No machismo, no feminism and no ditz with Sock. No one is more flexible and adaptable than Sock. In fact, Sock is completely reversible if required.
Pick Sock. Sock doesn't care if we to cling to our guns and religion. Sock will hide the cracks in our souls (with the added bonus for our soles too). Sock will feed us the canned rhetoric we eat by the bushel. No more fuzzy math. No more tin foil and duct tape. No more Bidenrrhea of the mouth. Just good warm cover whenever we need it.