Tools of Discipline
Delaying Gratification
Most of us know the meaning of "delaying gratification," although many of us do not consistently practice it. The meaning used here implies "frustration tolerance" - the scheduling of the discomfort and pleasure in life to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first: completing whatever needs to be done, and then experiencing whatever may be more pleasurable.
This pattern can show up in the tendency to procrastinate or ignore problems. While the willingness to directly face the discomfort of problems may seem like simple good judgment, ignoring problems is commonplace, affecting people such as executives in organizations and those in charge of other endeavors.
Carl Jung once said, "Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering." In this sense "delaying gratification" is a tool in which we confront pain and the legitimate suffering that is its companion, rather avoiding it. Regarding "legitimate suffering" - something most of us can relate to: our choice to exercise and work out!
Acceptance of Responsibility
Peck calls the second tool "acceptance of responsibility." Simply put, we must accept responsibility for a problem before we can solve it. We cannot solve a problem by saying, 'It is not my problem' or hoping that someone else will solve it for us. Yet, many of us seek to avoid the pain of our problems, thinking, "This problem was caused by others, by social circumstances beyond my control, and therefore it is up to other people or society to solve this problem for me."
This often gets played out in a related context: in relationships and families, where there is a need to strike a balance between the "I" and the "we" - individualism and togetherness. In western culture we want to be separate, independent individuals and we seek connectedness and intimacy. What we need is: 1) to take responsibility for our own feelings and reactions; 2) to share our reactions without saying or believing that the other person literally caused them; and 3) to do so without blaming ourselves for the reactions other people have in response to our choices and actions. The way to avoid "fused" and confused relationships is to clarify for oneself, "Who is responsible for what?"
In addition, there is much we can learn about effective communication. It can also be highly beneficial to discover exactly how we maintain life-problems through the medium of communication. Paul Watzlawick has examined this question in depth.
Dedication to Truth
The third tool for dealing with the pain of problem solving can be called dedication to truth. Our view of reality is like a map that helps us move through the world. The more effort we make to perceive and appreciate the world as it is, the larger and more accurate our map will be.
Because life is constantly changing, the predicament is that - if our maps are to be accurate - we need to continually revise them. What happens when one has made a good-faith effort to develop a working view of the world - a useful map or worldview - and then is faced with new information suggesting that our view is wrong and the map needs to be redrawn?
This effort can seem painful and frightening. What we too often do is ignore the new information. We augment this tactic when we (or kindred others) denounce the information as false or dangerous, even attempting to manipulate the world so as to make it conform to our view of reality.
To attempt to accurately know the world, we must not only examine it; we must examine the examiner. A life of total dedication to the truth entails the willingness to be personally challenged. This openness and honesty can be painful, yet it is necessary if we truly desire an inner sense of wellbeing.
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